Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Not Feelin' It

I live in Seattle . . . yes, it rains . . . it rains a lot and for the most part it does not bother me. I am originally from the Southeast, and I spend a fair amount of energy defending my decision to move to a dark, gloomy place on the other side of the country. The truth is I like the rain. I like that it makes the landscape lush and green all year long. I love waking up to hear rain drops on the roof and rolling over to cuddle up with Greg. I love the way the rain combines with the city lights to make the sky a beautiful orange and purple color at night. I love coming home, walking in our house from braving the rain, and feeling a rush of warm air making me feel safe and secure. I am not saying it is not annoying at times, but that it is tolerable and there are parts of it that I enjoy.

Fall is here now and we are starting to feel the real Seattle again after several months of warm sunshine. Last Friday was one of those typical Seattle days. I made sure to wear my good rain jacket and a sturdy pair of shoes to protect myself from the weather, as I hurried out the door to meet friends. I spent the afternoon with some girlfriends getting a massage and going out for tapas for happy hour. It was nice and relaxing and just what I needed to help ease my nerves and not think about the whole IVF process. While we were talking, one of my friends asked if I was OK that I seemed a bit subdued. I told her the truth the Lu.pron that I am taking right now to shut down my reproductive system is making me feel really flat. I am not happy. I am not sad. I don't feel either way. I then changed the subject because I just did not feel like talking about it at the moment. They gracefully dropped it because they have been wonderful to listen when I need it and to back away when I would rather not go there.

However, I began thinking about it more on the way home driving in the hard rain storm. I began to think, is it really the Lup.ron or is it this process that is making me flat? Whenever I have taken the Myers – Brigg test, I am always borderline introvert/extrovert. Sometimes it comes back as an introvert other times an extrovert. I do feel like this process has made me go inward more than I normally am. I am still reaching out to people for support, but I am really working at it. Honestly, I want to be alone most of the time, but I know that would not be good. I am really trying not to do that, but it is hard sometimes not to go into my shell. I do think some of it is all the medicine going in and out of my body; however, I think a lot of it is just the disappointment and anxiousness that goes along with all of this is staring to wear on me a bit. This is not what I thought IVF would be like. I thought that I would be an emotional grumpy mess. Of course, there is still time once they pump me full of estrogen. I could be begging for this empty feeling inside of a week.

As I continued to drive in the rain pondering these thoughts, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. “Babylon” by David Gray reminds me so much of my journey in rainy Seattle. The first year and half here were hard trying to find my first “real” job and making new friends. I thought it was never going to happen, but I finally found a job I loved and with it many great friends. The song was popular around the time that I started to really get my groove here. It reminds me that I went through something hard, but turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. It’s lyrics also remind me that I need to feel this and to remember it. I want to feel this and remember it, so that when my child one day is keeping me awake or talking back to me or just generally driving me nuts, I can remember what it was like to want them so badly that I did whatever I had to do to get them here. Once I reached the house the song ended and I gathered my things to go inside. I made a point of not lifting my hood to protect my head, but instead chose to let myself feel the now misting cool rain. It felt good, as anxiously opened the door to see Greg waiting for me to arrive.

“If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now”

David Gray

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