Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sucktastic Thankfulness

This week has been sucktastic, but also been such a reflection in the things that I have to be thankful. Sorry for the bullets, but below are my list of things that suck and things I am thankful to have in my life.

I will start with the sucktastic list, so that I can end on a happy note.

- It sucks just plain sucks no other words that we lost Scrappy.
- It sucks that we found this news out as we were coming out of the first trimester. We are now both gun shy about telling people. I feel like I worked hard for this and want to be able to celebrate it. I feel like Greg, Scooby and I all deserve to be over the moon and not gun shy.
- It sucks that every little pain I have right now makes me worry.
- It sucks that now we have a hard decision to make about whether or not to do an amniocentesis. Because it was twins, they did not do the normal blood work that accompanies the NT scan because the results can be skewed. Based on Scooby's measurements, it appears to be a 1:3600 chance of Downs. However, it is not as accurate as it could be, and can not tell us anything about other conditions. The only way to know is to do an amnio, which I did not want to do. I feel like I just had one loss and the possibility of another really scares me. We still haven't decided.
- It sucks that I can now see the worry on Greg's face that used to be exclusive to me. It is like he has lost some innocence. Really we both have.
- It sucks that even though I am out of the first trimester and feeling better, but I really want the reassurance of feeling like shit.

However sucky as those things may be, I have so much more appreciation for the good things I have in my life.

- I am so very thankful, happy and excited about Scooby. I want to scream it as loud as I can and I can not truly put into words exactly how I feel about him/her.
- I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband who has been a huge rock. I always knew I waited for the right man, but in a situation such as this, I know it even more than I ever thought I could. It is great to know he is there and will be there and will step up to the plate instead of running away.
- I am thankful for my in real life friends as well as my blog friends for listening and supporting me. Unfortunately, I know way too many people who have been there, so to hear some say they understand and know the pain makes me feel less alone. Even though I wish they didn't know the pain.
- I am thankful that nature took its course so to speak. This is the ultrasound that we would have found out something was wrong with Scrappy, and may have had to make that decision ourselves. To be perfectly brutally honest, I don't think I could have done it. I just don't think it is in me to do it. Not judging anyone who does, but I am just saying I personally couldn't. It sounds like a horrible plot on Private Practice (which I don't watch anymore by the way because of their ridiculous plot lines where people are faced with terrible decisions).
- I am thankful that we have a new house to distract me and help me move forward.

This week I learned more than ever that life is precious and delicate.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Long Time No Talk

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I hope somebody out there is still reading because I could use some support right now. I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I started keeping a journal in 1996, and one thing that is glaringly obvious when I go back and read them is that I write more when things are not good. It is like my feelings are a caged animal and the only way to get it out is by writing. When things are easier, I just don't get around to writing and do not feel the urgency to do it. I wanted this blog to break me of that, but it seems I fell back into my old habit. So, now for the bad news. We lost Scrappy sometime last week.

If I had written during the easier part. I would have told you that we went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days and both Scooby and Scrappy had grown nicely with heartbeats measuring 178 and 166. I would have told you had my first ob appointment with the nurse and she was super sweet and I liked her. I would have told you that the RE didn't graduate me at 9 weeks, but let me go back at 11 weeks, so that I could get in another ultrasound. I would have told you that at my second ob appointment the doctor decided to bring in the ultrasound machine to see the babies and they were doing well at 11 weeks. Then when I went to the RE later that day, I got see them again moving and dancing around. Scooby was much more active than Scrappy, but Scrappy still had a good heartbeat. I would have told you that we closed on a new house that had plenty of bedrooms for both our babies. These are things I would have told you, if I had written.

So, today at 12 weeks 2 days, we found out that we lost Scrappy. Since I just had an ultrasound last Monday, I know that it happened sometime between April 12 and April 20. I wish I didn't know that. I thought I was supposed to be coming out of the woods. Before I seem all doom and gloom, there is some great news about Scooby! He is measuring a day ahead at 12 weeks 3 days and had a heartbeat of 153. All his nuchal measurements were perfect and he moved around for us. I am happy beyond belief about that and so very thankful, but I am also sad at the same time. I am hoping that unlike my writing I can really work to focus on what is good right now and be thankful instead of being sad. I know that is what I need to do, but it is easier said than done. I want to be happy and strong for Scooby, but I know it will be good for me to grieve a bit for Scrappy. I feel conflicted and confused all at the same time.

This whole fertility thing has changed me and I don't even know quite yet how. I just know that I am different. I guess I will have to think about it and write about it later.