Long Time No Talk

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I hope somebody out there is still reading because I could use some support right now. I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I started keeping a journal in 1996, and one thing that is glaringly obvious when I go back and read them is that I write more when things are not good. It is like my feelings are a caged animal and the only way to get it out is by writing. When things are easier, I just don't get around to writing and do not feel the urgency to do it. I wanted this blog to break me of that, but it seems I fell back into my old habit. So, now for the bad news. We lost Scrappy sometime last week.

If I had written during the easier part. I would have told you that we went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days and both Scooby and Scrappy had grown nicely with heartbeats measuring 178 and 166. I would have told you had my first ob appointment with the nurse and she was super sweet and I liked her. I would have told you that the RE didn't graduate me at 9 weeks, but let me go back at 11 weeks, so that I could get in another ultrasound. I would have told you that at my second ob appointment the doctor decided to bring in the ultrasound machine to see the babies and they were doing well at 11 weeks. Then when I went to the RE later that day, I got see them again moving and dancing around. Scooby was much more active than Scrappy, but Scrappy still had a good heartbeat. I would have told you that we closed on a new house that had plenty of bedrooms for both our babies. These are things I would have told you, if I had written.

So, today at 12 weeks 2 days, we found out that we lost Scrappy. Since I just had an ultrasound last Monday, I know that it happened sometime between April 12 and April 20. I wish I didn't know that. I thought I was supposed to be coming out of the woods. Before I seem all doom and gloom, there is some great news about Scooby! He is measuring a day ahead at 12 weeks 3 days and had a heartbeat of 153. All his nuchal measurements were perfect and he moved around for us. I am happy beyond belief about that and so very thankful, but I am also sad at the same time. I am hoping that unlike my writing I can really work to focus on what is good right now and be thankful instead of being sad. I know that is what I need to do, but it is easier said than done. I want to be happy and strong for Scooby, but I know it will be good for me to grieve a bit for Scrappy. I feel conflicted and confused all at the same time.

This whole fertility thing has changed me and I don't even know quite yet how. I just know that I am different. I guess I will have to think about it and write about it later.