Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Long Time No Talk

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I hope somebody out there is still reading because I could use some support right now. I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I started keeping a journal in 1996, and one thing that is glaringly obvious when I go back and read them is that I write more when things are not good. It is like my feelings are a caged animal and the only way to get it out is by writing. When things are easier, I just don't get around to writing and do not feel the urgency to do it. I wanted this blog to break me of that, but it seems I fell back into my old habit. So, now for the bad news. We lost Scrappy sometime last week.

If I had written during the easier part. I would have told you that we went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days and both Scooby and Scrappy had grown nicely with heartbeats measuring 178 and 166. I would have told you had my first ob appointment with the nurse and she was super sweet and I liked her. I would have told you that the RE didn't graduate me at 9 weeks, but let me go back at 11 weeks, so that I could get in another ultrasound. I would have told you that at my second ob appointment the doctor decided to bring in the ultrasound machine to see the babies and they were doing well at 11 weeks. Then when I went to the RE later that day, I got see them again moving and dancing around. Scooby was much more active than Scrappy, but Scrappy still had a good heartbeat. I would have told you that we closed on a new house that had plenty of bedrooms for both our babies. These are things I would have told you, if I had written.

So, today at 12 weeks 2 days, we found out that we lost Scrappy. Since I just had an ultrasound last Monday, I know that it happened sometime between April 12 and April 20. I wish I didn't know that. I thought I was supposed to be coming out of the woods. Before I seem all doom and gloom, there is some great news about Scooby! He is measuring a day ahead at 12 weeks 3 days and had a heartbeat of 153. All his nuchal measurements were perfect and he moved around for us. I am happy beyond belief about that and so very thankful, but I am also sad at the same time. I am hoping that unlike my writing I can really work to focus on what is good right now and be thankful instead of being sad. I know that is what I need to do, but it is easier said than done. I want to be happy and strong for Scooby, but I know it will be good for me to grieve a bit for Scrappy. I feel conflicted and confused all at the same time.

This whole fertility thing has changed me and I don't even know quite yet how. I just know that I am different. I guess I will have to think about it and write about it later.

10 comments:

  1. Sweetie, I am so sorry for Scrappy. Of course you have Scooby but it's ok the grieve Scrappy. It was your baby too. I am so sorry. I'm sure everything will proceed well for Scooby and please update us more often! Delighted on the house too! Fran

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  2. Oh gosh, I am so glad you wrote!! I'll be praying for you as you grieve the loss of Scrappy. That is excellent that Scooby is doing so well!! Please keep us posted as you feel like writing *hug*

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  3. I've been thinking a lot about you, so I'm glad you finally wrote. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure it is very conflicting to be grateful and heartbroken at the same time. My prayers go out to you. ((HUGS))

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  4. i'm so sorry to hear that. i've been thinking of you and wondering if everything is ok. It must be hard to feel excited in one moment and devasted in the next. i'm sending you hugs and positive thoughs...

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear this...I'll be thinking of Scooby and you hoping that everybody does okay.

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  6. Oh, I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you and praying for you. (((HUGS)))

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  7. I'm so sorry you lost Scrappy, especially since you were so close to being "in the clear." Best wishes to you, DH, and Scooby as you adjust to the new situation.

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  8. Poor Scrappy! I'm so sad for your loss! I'm just 13 weeks and losing a baby at this stage scares the hell out of me. Of courseyou were attached to Scrappy. I'm so so sorry. But I'm glad that Scooby is doing so well!
    It's good to see you again! Take care:)

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  9. What a sad turn of events! I am sorry to hear about the loss of Scrappy but so happy to hear that Scooby is doing so well. Take care of yourself! You are in my thoughts!

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  10. so good to hear from you, but i'm sad it's with this news. i'm so very sorry to hear about scrappy. the life still growing inside you is a beautiful thing, but give yourself some space to grieve. hugs hugs.

    congrats on the second trimester! please don't forget to keep us updated!

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