Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sucktastic Thankfulness

This week has been sucktastic, but also been such a reflection in the things that I have to be thankful. Sorry for the bullets, but below are my list of things that suck and things I am thankful to have in my life.

I will start with the sucktastic list, so that I can end on a happy note.

- It sucks just plain sucks no other words that we lost Scrappy.
- It sucks that we found this news out as we were coming out of the first trimester. We are now both gun shy about telling people. I feel like I worked hard for this and want to be able to celebrate it. I feel like Greg, Scooby and I all deserve to be over the moon and not gun shy.
- It sucks that every little pain I have right now makes me worry.
- It sucks that now we have a hard decision to make about whether or not to do an amniocentesis. Because it was twins, they did not do the normal blood work that accompanies the NT scan because the results can be skewed. Based on Scooby's measurements, it appears to be a 1:3600 chance of Downs. However, it is not as accurate as it could be, and can not tell us anything about other conditions. The only way to know is to do an amnio, which I did not want to do. I feel like I just had one loss and the possibility of another really scares me. We still haven't decided.
- It sucks that I can now see the worry on Greg's face that used to be exclusive to me. It is like he has lost some innocence. Really we both have.
- It sucks that even though I am out of the first trimester and feeling better, but I really want the reassurance of feeling like shit.

However sucky as those things may be, I have so much more appreciation for the good things I have in my life.

- I am so very thankful, happy and excited about Scooby. I want to scream it as loud as I can and I can not truly put into words exactly how I feel about him/her.
- I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband who has been a huge rock. I always knew I waited for the right man, but in a situation such as this, I know it even more than I ever thought I could. It is great to know he is there and will be there and will step up to the plate instead of running away.
- I am thankful for my in real life friends as well as my blog friends for listening and supporting me. Unfortunately, I know way too many people who have been there, so to hear some say they understand and know the pain makes me feel less alone. Even though I wish they didn't know the pain.
- I am thankful that nature took its course so to speak. This is the ultrasound that we would have found out something was wrong with Scrappy, and may have had to make that decision ourselves. To be perfectly brutally honest, I don't think I could have done it. I just don't think it is in me to do it. Not judging anyone who does, but I am just saying I personally couldn't. It sounds like a horrible plot on Private Practice (which I don't watch anymore by the way because of their ridiculous plot lines where people are faced with terrible decisions).
- I am thankful that we have a new house to distract me and help me move forward.

This week I learned more than ever that life is precious and delicate.


  1. Oh sweetie, it's just very difficult. You are going through some really sucky moments, but I'm hopeful you'll soon be able to feel plain joy. Love, Fran

  2. It is heartbreaking to read all your suck's, but it really speaks to my heart that you followed those with what you're thankful for. I'm always one to (try to) look past the disappointments to what I'm thankful for, and I think it's great you're doing your best to do that, too. Praying for you as your grieve the loss of Scrappy (hug)

  3. The good and bad just overflow right now...I'm glad you are making it through and that Scooby is still healthy. :)

  4. so sorry for a sucktastic week. my heart goes out to you, and your DH and scooby for the loss of scrappy. hugs.

    i hope you feel comfortable in your 2nd trimester soon so you can revel in sharing your news about scooby as soon as you're ready.

  5. I am really feeling for you. I wish I had some advice for you, but I just don't. I loved reading your thankful list. After we lost Twin A, I just start focusing on how lucky I felt to still have Twin B. Oh, and I still haven't told anyone except my parents about this pregnancy. I don't know when I will be able to. Soon, I hope.

  6. sucktastic. now that is a cool word and a new favorite for me. we do have waay too much in common right about now don't we? you know i totally get it. its like we're sad, yet happy, not an easy place to be. but today I am happy. I will try to continue this happiness for now, cause you know what, i like it better than the suck. i wish the same for you girl. but don't worry we will have more days of the suck i am sure, but lets try to shew them away with the happy. love your pregnant too with one baby after losing a twin sista. xoxo

  7. I hope you get out of the gun shy mode but I can understand why you are. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!