Moving Along

I have a longer post brewing, but just not ready to be published yet. However, I wanted to give an update. Beta #3 was this morning and was 3443. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the afternoon of 3/10. I am blissfully tired at the moment, and I have never been happier about it. I am still taking it one day at a time and think that will be my mode of operation for quite awhile.

I promise I will write more this weekend!!!! Thanks again for all your well wishes and encouragement! I think Greg finally understood this blogging thing more when he read all of your comments. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

1714

First, thank you all for all your great comments about our news!!!!! The second beta was 1714 today. I am still working on wrapping my head around being pregnant. The fact that the numbers more than quadrupaled in 48hours is also a bit overwhelming. The cramping is giving me some physical signs and the numbers are pointing in that direction, but I am still just taking it one day at a time.

Thanks again to everyone! Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers to those cycling right now!!!

377

Sorry to keep everyone waiting! My first BFP and my beta is 377. . . We are so excited and trying to take it all in:)! One day at a time! Today is a great day!

The Suspense Is Killing Me

First, welcome to all ICLW visitors! My history is on my tool bar to the right. If you want , more information you can visit my post from January 21st of this year. Sorry, I haven't figured out how to do links on blogger. We did a 6 day frozen embryo transfer on 2/12 and I am currently awaiting results.

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So, I wish I could complain about how incompetent it is that my nurse hasn't called with my beta results. However, she left a message (it is on my caller ID) at 11 AM this morning with the results. I promised Greg I would wait until he got home so that we could listen to the message together. I also made him promise to not come home late tonight. I also made him take the one and only pee stick I had in the house with him to work. I hope it doesn't fall out of his bag during a meeting:). I knew I had one from the days of POASing, and I did not want to get tempted. So the wait continues.

This morning, I woke up feeling 100% normal and convinced it did not work. I still don't know for sure, but have had a little more cramping this afternoon. The boob test will not work. First, progesterone could be a culprit. Also, I have big boobs (DDs) and big boobs hurt and get in the way all the time, in my opinion.

Trying to keep busy today. I worked on a huge organization project at the preschool this morning. Although I don't love organizing, I am pretty good at it. I blame this on my very structured teacher of a Mom. (I blame any annoying or boring trait I have on my parents. I hope someone blames me for all their problems one day too. I will not have done my job as a mother if they are not sitting on somebody's counch one day complaining about me.) That kept me busy for awhile. After I got done, I went for a drive up to the mountains and listened to some CDs my Dad made for me. I think it is sweet my Dad just made me a bunch of mixed CDs. For the most part, I like them. Now, I am home and I think I am going to try and take a nap before going to the grocery store.

I will update tonight!

New Perspective

My beta is on Monday, so Greg and I are doing whatever we can to keep ourselves busy to take our mind off of things. Luckily, it is a gorgeous weekend here in Seattle. The picture of Mt. Rainer says it all. Nice days here make the rain worth it. So far, we have had coffee with friends this morning (decaf for me, of course), I went for a walk while Greg played tennis, we went to a place called Paseo that has the best Caribbean sandwiches for lunch and now we are getting ready to go to the UW/UCLA basketball game. It has been a good day and we have much to be thankful for.

While on my walk, I began to think of all the things that I have gained during this crazy journey to have a baby. I am tired of thinking about what I do not have. Therefore below is a list of everything infertility has brought me. Some are good and some are bad, but I think it is all worth while.

* More patience than I ever imagined I could have.
* Rediscovered writing and started this blog.
* Gotten more clarity on what I want to do with my life and started pursuing it.
* Cleaned out 3/4 of my husband's bachelor pad.
* Worked on a major lifetime budget plan.
* Discovered acupuncture. I think I may be addicted now. Please no interventions. I love my crack.
*Learned how well my husband and I do and do not communicate.
* Become less afraid of having a football in the form of a child coming out of my vagina. (Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered if there was a moment after women found out they were pregnant and the excitement had worn off that they all of the sudden had the thought, "Holy Shit! How am I going to get this thing out of me?"). If can endure all the shots, violating ultrasounds, crazy hormones and everyone under the son seeing up my whoo-ha, surely I can do that too. I just hope it recovers. For the record, my husband, is hoping for that too. Kegels, anyone?
* Learned of my friends who can handle the hard stuff and who can't.
* Sometimes it is does not matter how hard you try.
* Lamb is really good and easy to prepare. Plus it warms up my ute.
* More knowledge of the female reproductive system than I ever wanted or cared to know.
* How to explain the IVF process in less than 2 minutes flat.
* How to deal with ass hole advice and comments. Receiving ass hole advice has made me rethink giving it out myself in situations I do not understand.
* A wonderful church with a great community to raise our children in.
* At one point, I believed I just wanted to be a parent, and that adoption was a good back up plan. I do still feel like it is a good plan, just not a back up one. It now feels more like a next step.
*How to completely fall on my face month after month and still get back up for another punch.
* The knowledge that Greg and I can go through something difficult and still come out stronger and better.
* That pity coming from someone else is really their inability to know what to do or say. It is really more about them than me. This is another area I will rethink in how to deal with others in areas I do not truly understand.
* Concrete proof that I waited for the right man and best man to be the father of my children. He was definitely worth the wait. Therefore, I know this kid will be too.
* That pee sticks are evil assholes. I walked by some in the drugstore the other day and immediately sped up to get away from them. Just like the band, Kiss, I will to turn my head whenever I encounter them. (Yes, Kiss in their crazy make-up scares the shit out of me. Whenever, I am forced to look at them I have nightmare that evening of them chasing me. This has been an issues since I was about 6.) Pee sticks scare the hell out of me too.
* Getting pregnant the old fashioned way is not in the cards for me. I have accepted it, mourned it and moved forward with what I can do. It is not sexy or romantic, but how many people get knocked up just because it is "time"? Is it that much different? In a weird and strange way, I almost like this way better. I definitely feel like it is brought us closer. This is just my opinion.
* Strength, courage and perseverance are a virtue.

So far, waiting has not been totally horrible. I have had some cramping and twitching near my uterus (like an eye twitch) to ease my mind a little. However, I am not convinced that equals baby, it just makes me feel better. As I mentioned before I hate pee sticks. They have never given me the answer I have wanted on this journey, so I avoid them like the plague. Hopefully, Monday will be here soon !!!!!!

Signs on Valentines Day

I will quickly admit that I am a Match.com veteran. I feel like Internet dating is the new millennium's version of meeting someone at a bar. It is slightly embarrassing, but it works. Before I met Greg through Match, I had two serious relationships. One lasted 6 years and the other 4 years. After the second one ended, I decided to try Internet dating in 2003. I spent two years sifting through profiles, composing e-mails and going out on dates, while friend after friend was making wedding plans. I set a goal of one date a week and was able to accomplish it with an honest profile and pictures, so there were no surprises when I met someone in person. With Match, I finally got gotten my groove and it was the first time I dated several people at once. I am an introvert that works really really hard at being an extrovert. The Internet allowed me to show people who I am without the awkwardness of a first in person meeting. It was a fun time, but hard at the same time. The more I dated the more I got my heart broken and the more I had to break someone else's heart. Each date was the promise of something new that ended 99% of the time in one or the other scenarios previously mentioned.

However, after each date or relationship I picked myself up knowing there were more profiles to review and with a new promise. At the end of 2005, I met Greg the Monday before Christmas. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, we had been our several times, but had not formally decided to be exclusive. However, we were having a good time and it felt promising, but I had had "that feeling" before, so I was still a bit guarded. Espesically, when he asked me to do Valentine's on the 13th instead of the actual day because he had league tennis match on the actual night. My guarded mind thought it was a bit suspicious, but we had not had "the talk" yet, so I went along with it.

He made plans at a romantic Italian restaurant with the best handmade pasta. I gave him a small gift when we got there and he gave me a card. We had a great time and wonderful conversation. Not wanting the night to end, we decided to go back to his place for a drink. He asked me to come to his car first to get my present before we headed to his place nearby. It had started raining (seattle in winter = rain, idiot) and I had forgotten my hat, so I was worried that my hair was starting to frizz (very lame). So I was a bit distracted when he handed me a box of chocolates still in the red cellophane wrapping. I quickly kissed and thanked him and told him I would meet him at this place while running towards my car to get out of the rain. Once we got to his place he handed me the chocolates from the box in a Ziploc bag. Confused, I took it, but did not question it. I guess I was still worried about my hair (what an idiot). We had a drink and talked for awhile before we decided to end the evening for a few reasons. We had not had "the talk" yet and I had been clear about wanting to wait to give up the goods, plus it was a work night. The evening ended well.

The next morning as I was getting ready for work, I moved the box of chocolates and heard a rattling noise that did not seem right. My first thought was "oh s*#@ what did I miss?". I ripped off the wrapping and lifted the lid to the chocolate box. Inside I found all of my favorite things instead of chocolate. A box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (I love it!), a gift certificate to my favorite burger place, a gift certificate to Nordstrom, two different small stuffed animals and a box of tiny sweetarts! (I guess food is the way to my heart and bad junk food at that.). It was so thoughtful and sweet, and I had been such a tool the night before worrying about my hair that I did not open it even after he handed me the bag of chocolates from inside. I immediately called and left him a message apologizing for being such a tool and thanking him so much for the thoughtful gift!!! It was the first time that I realized that this guy was different and maybe I should let my guard down a bit. I am lucky that even 4 years later he is still that thoughtful!

Online dating taught me many lessons that I have been able to go back to through this fertility journey. It taught me about resilience and picking myself up after heartbreak. It showed me that it really does take just one even though it is annoying to hear. Even though I watched friend after friend pass me by, I can say with such confidence that the man I got was so worth the wait.

Yesterday afternoon I had a small breakdown that I was not feeling anything and convinced this cycle did not work. (I know it is still way too early for a breakdown.) Greg was great as usual about it and said some many sweet things that made me fall in love with him even more. I asked God for a sign, while Greg was talking me down. Later that afternoon, we went for a walk in the neighborhood after a heavy downpour cleared. As we approached the lake there was not one but two rainbows in the sky reflecting off the water (My crappy camera phone did not really get a good picture of the second one. You can barely see it in the above picture, but I swear it was there.). It sounds super cheesy, but it was true. God is trying to tell us something. I am hoping those rainbows just like the thought Valentine day gift were signs that God is taking care of me again and I need to let my guard down for it to come to me.

Quick Update

We transferred two AB blasts on Friday afternoon. Things were quick and easy. I did acupuncture before and afterwards. Greg went to my favorite Greek restaurant to get take out that night, and has been waiting on me ever since. I have been laying around watching funny movies and episodes of the The Office all Saturday. Today we have a few more movies to watch and I am excited going to get up and around finally this afternoon.

I need to get out of my head a bit. I am paying attention to every little thing going on down there or not going on down there. I am trying not to think about it, but not being very successful. Anyone have any suggestions?

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! We are going to House of Hong in the International District to celebrate tonight. We are doing Valentine's Day tomorrow night, so I will do a Valentine's post tomorrow. However, I hope everyone else is having a great Valentine's with your significant other!!!

A Formal Invitation

To: Our Child/ren
From: Your Parents
Date: February 12, 2010
Where: Your Place, Fertility Clinic
Time: 3:30 PM
Attire: Casual and Comfortable

Your parents would like to formally invite you to be part of our family. Below are the major highlights:

- We invite you to enjoy our lives together. We will teach you about true love, the joy of laughter, the warmth of a hug and the kindness of a word.

- We invite you to live with us. In our neighborhood there are two great playgrounds, an ice cream shop for warm summer days, coffee shop for cold winter days, a toy store, bakery, beach on the lake to meet your friends, restaurants for family dinners and much more to explore.

- We invite you to go on family vacations. Will visit Mom's family in Florida every summer. You will get to see your cousins Q and A to swim in the pool, play freeze tag in the yard, go to the water park and play miniature golf. We will also take trips with just our family to places all around the globe to learn about unfamiliar cultures.

- We invite you to family holidays. We get to celebrate two Easters one being Greek Easter with Dad's family. We will eat the best orzo pasta and lamb made by your very on YaiYai. At Christmas you can make cookies and gingerbread houses with Meemee and Gramp. Aunt W and Uncle M will be there to give you extra hugs and Thea A and M will be there to spoil you rotten.

-We invite you to hang out with our friends. They will teach you that there are some people out there that you love because you want to and not because you have to. From them, you will learn about community and what it means to be part of one.

- We invite you to explore your interests. We will help you to find your interests and talents and will do our best to support you 100%. Whether it is sports, music, plays or something else, we will be there cheer you on at every game, concert or performance.

- We invite you to learn about being healthy and active. We will teach you about exercise by taking walks and runs in the neighborhood, swimming in the pool or lake, hitting tennis balls and kicking soccer balls. To learn about healthy eating, we will got o farmers markets to learn about fresh fruits and vegetables and then come home to make tasty treats together.

- We invite you to exercise your mind as well as your body. We will take the library to get new books, and museums to learn about art and culture. We will help you to understand the importance of hard work in school and your job. We will help you to study for tests and push you to do your homework assignments. We will cheer the loudest when you land your first "real" job. We will take trips to see firsthand about the places you will study to learn about different cultures and people.

- We invite you to explore spirituality. We will take you to church, so that you can learn about God and his teachings and then make your own decisions. We help you to see the community of support, love and comfort that is believing in something that is much larger than just you and us.


- We invite you to learn about love. We will do our best, along with your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to teach you about love, so that when it comes time for you to choose the love of your life, you will will recognize love when you meet them.

- We invite you to learn about laughter. Nothing feels better than gut busting laughter and a smile on your face. It is even better when you see it on others sharing the moment with you.

- We invite you to make mistakes. To truly live life and learn, you will need to push boundaries at times, which may lead to mistakes. We invite you to learn when its is appropriate and we will do our best to allow you to learn. In return, there will be a day that you realize the mistakes we have made with you, and we hope you understand that we were learning too.

- We invite you to learn life's hard lessons. For example: You will get your heart broken, but we will teach you that it means you are one step closer to knowing real love. For every success you will have a failure. We will teach you that the trick to living a balanced life is having a bit of both. Life is hard and not always fair. We will teach you that more you put into it the more you will get out.

- Last and most importantly, we invite you to live happy, challenging, fulfilling life. As your parents, we will do everything possible to make it a good and beautiful experience.

We hope and pray that you will accept our invitation to be part of our family. To accept, the only thing you have to do is find a warm, safe and comfortable place inside Mom's tummy to grab on and enjoy a 9 months stay. We hope you grow and healthy and strong and at the end of 9 months you will get to meet us in person. We want you to know that we already love you and always will!!!!!!

Lost Focus

My husband is geeky and I find it extremely sexy. I love that he buys gadgets, takes them apart to figure out how they work and puts them back together. I love that he can look up in the sky and find stars and constellations within a glance. I love that he studies things and bombards me with random facts. All I can say, is that I think it is sweet.

However, all the dorky cuteness comes with a price at times. He is extremely analytical and will analyze a decision to death before coming to a conclusion. In contrast, I make decisions swiftly and decisively, but sometimes do not get all the facts. Both approaches have their pros and cons, and we end up complimenting each other in the end. However, it can be a painful process to get there at times. For example, large purchases can take twice as long as normal. We have been discussing purchasing a freezer since late November. In December, I sent him a link from Sears with options within our price range and qualifications that I felt we should purchase. Since then, we have also looked at more freezers from Costco to Best Buy. It is now February and we still do not have a freezer. A lot of times we end up circling back to the original options I proposed, but on numerous occasions we have saved lots of money and gotten a better product due to his thorough research. It is completely cute, but sometimes I do not have the patience to look at every single angle to make a decision.

Last night we were faced with a decision and after a big breakdown on my part, I was happy that my husband would not go along with my instinctive decision making skills. It started when we returned home from dinner. We were set or so I thought to being our progesterone shots that night, which would be 6 days before our Thursday afternoon transfer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have not been as focused on the details of this cycle and much more laid back. Therefore, I did not read the paperwork and instructions they gave me before starting shots right away. As I pulled it out and we began reading, I saw that we were supposed to do the shot in the morning instead of the night like we did last time. Immediately, my stomach sank. My mind started racing trying to figure out how I could save the transfer day. I thought I could take the shot that night and call the clinic in the morning to see what to do next. (I was thinking it was similar to BCPs. If one is missed, it is taken as soon as it is remember and pick back up the next day.) Greg would not go along with it and insisted that we look at all our options and call the clinic to see what to do next. I did not want to bug a doctor on a Saturday night over my stupid mistake. He persisted that we do something different.

I broke down, like stupid, ugly crying broke down. I had been about thinking this cycle too long. The logistics were worked out. Greg had time off, and I rearranged my work schedule. Acupuncture and massage appointments were booked. I had been waiting for almost 3 months. I had timed it so that the transfer would occur on our 2-1/2 year anniversary down to the hour. It was cosmic and meant to be in my heard. I am just tired. I am tired of worrying, thinking and trying so hard to have a baby. I am sick of pregnant bellies in my face, friends complaining about their children and the Circle of Moms on Facebook. I do not even know what the Circle of Moms is on Facebook. I just know I want my freaking invitation, and I am tired of waiting, wishing and praying for my turn with no success. It all hit me at once. Greg just held me tight and let me cry.

Once I had calmed down, he convinced me to call the on call doctor at the clinic. I was surprised when one of the doctor's answered directly. After apologizing profusely for calling late on a Saturday night, I told her the situation. She explained the timing of the shot and the transfer, and said we had no other choice but to reschedule the transfer. She advised me to call the clinic first thing in the morning to find out our options. She was great and told me she was glad I called because the most important thing is to get me pregnant. I was disappointed, but the doctor put it into a better perspective for me.

This morning I called the clinic as instructed and talked to one of the nurses. She was able to schedule the transfer for 3:30 on Friday the 12th. The timing actually works better for our work schedules. The bad news is that Dr. NiceGuy is going out of town for a week and will not be able to do it. I am bummed because he has been so great, but more importantly I need to do this and move forward. In the end, it is just one day. The whole situations reminded me that there is much more work to do and I cannot loose my focus. Someday, someway, somehow this will all be worth it. Thank you Greg for being so damn analytical:). Without his persistence to look at it a different way, we could have completely messed up the entire cycle.

Really?

My clinic needs to rethink their magazine selection. Today it was Martha Stewart's Easy Comfort Food to feed one's face while hopped up on hormones. Or better yet, how to make great mac and cheese to ease the pain after your next BFN. A month or so ago, it was some kind of Us or People talking about celebrity pregnancies in 2009. Really. . . at a fertility clinic?

Anyhoo, I went in today to check my lining. We are good to go. My lining was 10.7, and is ready. We are set to do the transfer next Thursday, 2/11 at 2PM. My plan is to get a massage that morning, then do accupuncture before and after the transfer. I am excited and scared at the same time. Excited about the possibilty and scared to death that I will get my heart broken again.

The Difference

It feels different this time. It feels less like a big deal and more of a way of life. I have come to accept that trying to have a baby is more of what I am up to lately rather than a monumental experience. Just like I get my oil changed every 3 to 5 thousand miles, brush my teeth upon waking and again before sleeping, I now have a calendar of doctor's appointments, Day 3 blood draws, and dates with an ultrasound wand.

The process is so routine to me that I forget that everyone does not know what I mean when I say my E2 was 38 on Day 3 or that we will be doing a frozen transfer in about a week or so. I no longer get anxious about having to take various hormones or what my blood test results will be becauseI know how my body will react and what my normal results are. I am not nervous to start progesterone shots in a few days because I know they are not too bad and Greg knows what to do. It sucks that it has become so routine, but that is just the way it is.

However, there are a few differences this time compared to our last IVF attempt. Since we already have to precious embryos waiting for us at the clinic, I am not taking tons of shots to convince my ovaries to make as many follicles as possible. As a result, I am a lot more comfortable and I am able to workout with no worries. Physcially, it is so much easier this time. So much easier that sometimes I forget to take my medicine and have to send myself reminders.

Another difference would be that I feel like I am being much easier on myself this time around. I am working out more, eating healthier, meditating here and there and filling my time easier. I am not focused so much on doing things perfectly, instead doing what I need to do to get it done.

However, the biggest difference would be that I am keenly aware it may not work. We could fall against the odds again. If we follow our normal routine, it could end in a big fat negative. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that someday, someway, somehow we will have a baby. I believe it will happen. However, I do not know if it will be this time or next time or the time after that. It is not that I am being pessimistic about this cycle. Believe me; nothing would make me happier than to deviate from our routine in just this one area. I just know that I do not get a choice in the matter. Therefore, my only option is to prepare for both outcomes and have faith that it will happen in its own time.

I go in tomorrow for my first check since my baseline two weeks ago. The estrogen patches have not been too bad. I have seen a lot of cervical fluid the last week and half and a monster headache this morning, so I feel like something is going on down there. Tomorrow I will find out exactly where we are and hopefully be ready to start progesterone. I will report back tomorrow what I find out.