The Difference

It feels different this time. It feels less like a big deal and more of a way of life. I have come to accept that trying to have a baby is more of what I am up to lately rather than a monumental experience. Just like I get my oil changed every 3 to 5 thousand miles, brush my teeth upon waking and again before sleeping, I now have a calendar of doctor's appointments, Day 3 blood draws, and dates with an ultrasound wand.

The process is so routine to me that I forget that everyone does not know what I mean when I say my E2 was 38 on Day 3 or that we will be doing a frozen transfer in about a week or so. I no longer get anxious about having to take various hormones or what my blood test results will be becauseI know how my body will react and what my normal results are. I am not nervous to start progesterone shots in a few days because I know they are not too bad and Greg knows what to do. It sucks that it has become so routine, but that is just the way it is.

However, there are a few differences this time compared to our last IVF attempt. Since we already have to precious embryos waiting for us at the clinic, I am not taking tons of shots to convince my ovaries to make as many follicles as possible. As a result, I am a lot more comfortable and I am able to workout with no worries. Physcially, it is so much easier this time. So much easier that sometimes I forget to take my medicine and have to send myself reminders.

Another difference would be that I feel like I am being much easier on myself this time around. I am working out more, eating healthier, meditating here and there and filling my time easier. I am not focused so much on doing things perfectly, instead doing what I need to do to get it done.

However, the biggest difference would be that I am keenly aware it may not work. We could fall against the odds again. If we follow our normal routine, it could end in a big fat negative. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that someday, someway, somehow we will have a baby. I believe it will happen. However, I do not know if it will be this time or next time or the time after that. It is not that I am being pessimistic about this cycle. Believe me; nothing would make me happier than to deviate from our routine in just this one area. I just know that I do not get a choice in the matter. Therefore, my only option is to prepare for both outcomes and have faith that it will happen in its own time.

I go in tomorrow for my first check since my baseline two weeks ago. The estrogen patches have not been too bad. I have seen a lot of cervical fluid the last week and half and a monster headache this morning, so I feel like something is going on down there. Tomorrow I will find out exactly where we are and hopefully be ready to start progesterone. I will report back tomorrow what I find out.