Saturday, February 20, 2010

New Perspective

My beta is on Monday, so Greg and I are doing whatever we can to keep ourselves busy to take our mind off of things. Luckily, it is a gorgeous weekend here in Seattle. The picture of Mt. Rainer says it all. Nice days here make the rain worth it. So far, we have had coffee with friends this morning (decaf for me, of course), I went for a walk while Greg played tennis, we went to a place called Paseo that has the best Caribbean sandwiches for lunch and now we are getting ready to go to the UW/UCLA basketball game. It has been a good day and we have much to be thankful for.

While on my walk, I began to think of all the things that I have gained during this crazy journey to have a baby. I am tired of thinking about what I do not have. Therefore below is a list of everything infertility has brought me. Some are good and some are bad, but I think it is all worth while.

* More patience than I ever imagined I could have.
* Rediscovered writing and started this blog.
* Gotten more clarity on what I want to do with my life and started pursuing it.
* Cleaned out 3/4 of my husband's bachelor pad.
* Worked on a major lifetime budget plan.
* Discovered acupuncture. I think I may be addicted now. Please no interventions. I love my crack.
*Learned how well my husband and I do and do not communicate.
* Become less afraid of having a football in the form of a child coming out of my vagina. (Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered if there was a moment after women found out they were pregnant and the excitement had worn off that they all of the sudden had the thought, "Holy Shit! How am I going to get this thing out of me?"). If can endure all the shots, violating ultrasounds, crazy hormones and everyone under the son seeing up my whoo-ha, surely I can do that too. I just hope it recovers. For the record, my husband, is hoping for that too. Kegels, anyone?
* Learned of my friends who can handle the hard stuff and who can't.
* Sometimes it is does not matter how hard you try.
* Lamb is really good and easy to prepare. Plus it warms up my ute.
* More knowledge of the female reproductive system than I ever wanted or cared to know.
* How to explain the IVF process in less than 2 minutes flat.
* How to deal with ass hole advice and comments. Receiving ass hole advice has made me rethink giving it out myself in situations I do not understand.
* A wonderful church with a great community to raise our children in.
* At one point, I believed I just wanted to be a parent, and that adoption was a good back up plan. I do still feel like it is a good plan, just not a back up one. It now feels more like a next step.
*How to completely fall on my face month after month and still get back up for another punch.
* The knowledge that Greg and I can go through something difficult and still come out stronger and better.
* That pity coming from someone else is really their inability to know what to do or say. It is really more about them than me. This is another area I will rethink in how to deal with others in areas I do not truly understand.
* Concrete proof that I waited for the right man and best man to be the father of my children. He was definitely worth the wait. Therefore, I know this kid will be too.
* That pee sticks are evil assholes. I walked by some in the drugstore the other day and immediately sped up to get away from them. Just like the band, Kiss, I will to turn my head whenever I encounter them. (Yes, Kiss in their crazy make-up scares the shit out of me. Whenever, I am forced to look at them I have nightmare that evening of them chasing me. This has been an issues since I was about 6.) Pee sticks scare the hell out of me too.
* Getting pregnant the old fashioned way is not in the cards for me. I have accepted it, mourned it and moved forward with what I can do. It is not sexy or romantic, but how many people get knocked up just because it is "time"? Is it that much different? In a weird and strange way, I almost like this way better. I definitely feel like it is brought us closer. This is just my opinion.
* Strength, courage and perseverance are a virtue.

So far, waiting has not been totally horrible. I have had some cramping and twitching near my uterus (like an eye twitch) to ease my mind a little. However, I am not convinced that equals baby, it just makes me feel better. As I mentioned before I hate pee sticks. They have never given me the answer I have wanted on this journey, so I avoid them like the plague. Hopefully, Monday will be here soon !!!!!!


  1. Great post! I TOTALLY agree about the pee sticks. I absolutely hate those awful things too. I refuse to ever pee on another one until a blood test has already proven that I'm pregnant.

    I'll be praying for you! I really hope that Monday is filled with exciting news!

  2. Oh my dear, I am keeping you in my thoughts,only one more sleep, I'll be checking your blog in a compulsive manner tomorrow (with the time difference and all it'll drive me crazy!). I love the list of positive things you have written, most of them are true for me too. Much love, Fran

  3. Great weather ALWAYS makes life better deosn't it!! So glad you got some this weekend!

    I loved your list...especially that part about how you think twice now about the advice you give or the reaction you have when others share something with you that is something that you don't understand. I feel that I have learned the same lesson and even though this IVF journey is super tough I too am grateful for that lessons learned. Thanks for articulating some of them on your blog!! You are a GREAT writer!!

    HPT are definitely the enemy!! I think waiting until beta is the only way to go!!! I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and really, REALLY hope you you'll have wonderful news to share with us!!


  4. Wow, beta time! I hope you have a great day with DH and wonderful news tomorrow.

  5. Hoping you get great news on Monday!

  6. I love your list! Will be praying that the beta is more cooperative than the pee sticks!! :)

  7. Sending lots of ++ thoughts for your beta tomorrow!! I hope you hear wonderful news!! I hope you have had a wonderful weekend!

  8. You made me laugh out loud, evil assholes, I love it! Good luck tomorrow! I will check back soon :)

  9. What a wonderful post. truly.
    I hope your beta is big and beautiful.
    And you-- you are strong and so incredibly insightful- and I only wish you the best.

    thank you for your sweet support and celebration for me- it means the world. There is so much of this shit journey that is so lonely. I feel like there's this big invisible net that is holding me up. Thank you so much.

    warm wishes to you, and fingers crossed for you tomorrow.

  10. A fabulous perspective indeed. We would all be well served by putting together such a list because there are positive things to come of all this, we just fail to see them a good part of the time.

    Thanks for the comment on my blog! Good luck on your FET results. :)

  11. Hey! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love your list. It is awesome. I peeked as some of your older posts and I love your invitation to your children. I am hoping an keeping my fingers crossed for your beta. Can't wait to hear the results!

  12. Thinking of you today and hoping for a BFP!

  13. Thanks for sharing your top 10 list and the pic of Mt Rainier! Seattle is probably my most favorite place! I spent Jan - March there in 2003 and LOVED it!

    Congrats on your beta results too! That's excellent news.

    -visiting from ICLW :)

  14. Great list--makes me think I should make one too! And, congrats on your great numbers--it worked!!!