Hello, name is Megan and I am infertile. When we first starting seeing an RE almost a year ago,
I did not truly believe that we had a problem. Once they confirmed through various tests that "nothing was wrong", I was even more convinced that we could do this on our own. We just needed a little help from the doctors to make this happen sooner rather than later. I was in complete denial. Now, I have a totally different perspective.
After watching my follicles stop growing last summer on the ultrasound screen during a monitored IUI cycle, things began to shift. After 3 unsuccessful injectable IUI cycles and IVF began to become an option, the truth started to become clearer. We needed help and this was going to be hard. It was a difficult time, and I began to scour the interenet to learn as much as I could about the process. I read blog after blog after blog. As I read them I was encouraged by the success stories and determination of the women still in the battle. It made me feel better to know that there were other people out there admitting their problem and fighting it together.
On Friday, I went for a walk with a very good friend who knows about our fertility issues. Although she has no desire to have a child of her own, she ahs been there to lisetn and support me. After the first IVF ended in a BFN, I felt some distance between us. I knew she felt awkward and did not know what to say. I realized that it was more about her than me and forgave her. Lately, I have made an effort to see her so that she knows I am OK and will be OK. It sucks that I have to make that effort, but that is a whole different post. As we were talking, the conversation turned to my infertility and our plans. She interupted me as we were talking to tell me to stop calling myself infertile that we do not have an official diagnosis (which we do) and I am not infertile. She told me I was not being positive by calling myself infertile. I was kind of taken by suprise. I felt that she was denying of what I am. After months of denying it, I was now admitting it and upset that someone did not see the fight I had before me.
I understand that my friend was trying to be helpful and keep my spirits high. However, to tell me that I am not being positive by admitting my problem felt like it was placing the blame on my attitude instead of our biology. I felt she truly did not understand what I am up against. I have had a good attitude because after each unsuccessful cycle I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and charged ahead into the next cycle. I am in the thick of the fight. I knew I had to explain this too her somehow.
After listening to her for a bit, I told her that just because I am infertile now does not mean I will be forever. However, the facts are the facts. We have been trying for 18 months to have a baby without success. We have sought the help of medical professionals with a good track record for 11 months. Even though my official diagnosis is unexplained, it does not change the fact that I am infertile and I have a long hard fight ahead of me that I have every intention of fighting until the end. I think she was suprised to find me so bothered by her comment. She took it well and told me she would be there to cheer us on. I am not mad at her. I get that she does not get it. However, I am currently in the trenches of this and I am doing everything I can to fight this. I know that this will have the outcome I am hoping for some way, someday, somehow. However, I am past the first step, which admitting I have a problem. Hello, my name is Megan and I am infertile.