After a series of clunkers throughout high school and college, I bought my first new car shortly after moving to Seattle. I felt settled in my first real job, and thought it was time to make a big purchase. I traded in the feeling hope that the car would crank and the hassle of public transportation, for a 1999 Saturn SL1. The day I made the last payment, I celebrated my accomplishment with friends. It was not the prettiest car, or the fanciest car, but it got me where I needed to go when I needed to get there and I loved it. After about 9 years of car ownership, I began to brag about what a good practical car I had. Then it happened. . I started having problems with it. It started one spring morning on my way to work. My trusted car almost conked out on me during rush hour traffic on a major highway. I luckily made it off an exit and to a gas station. At this point Greg and I were married and I had a better job with more money, so we decided it was time for a new one. I remember the day we traded it in for a prettier, fancier and more sensible car the salesman looked at me and said, “I am sure you are really excited to get rid of this thing.” I was not and I wanted to punch him when he said that to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the butt warmers in my current car, but I loved my Saturn and the achievement, security and independence it represented.
I want to say out loud that I am proud of how my body has braved the last 10 months. After almost 3 weeks being hormone free, I am feeling pretty good. I amazed at how much energy I have and how good I feel. I am hoping that I am not jinxing my body like I did my car when I bragged about how good it has been to me because I am going to need it to help me through for a bit longer.
Greg and I have spent some time discussing frozen (FET Frozen Embryo Transfer) versus fresh. Two of our embryos made it freeze on the 6th day. We asked Dr. NiceGuy his opinion on frozen vs. fresh, hoping that he would just tell us what to do. We told him our dilemma and he understood and he said he would support us either way, but ultimately the decision was ours.
This is the dilemma: I am 36, and if best case scenario the frozen cycle ends in a singleton pregnancy, I will be pushing 38 trying to have a second child. Fertility starts to take another nose dive around then. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I have always imagined at least two children. Maybe because I am the second child, I feel pretty strongly about it. We have very good reasons for wanting two. The main one being that Greg is an only child, and there will be no other children this child’s age on his side of the family. Secondly, I do have two wonderful nephews that are 6 and 4, but they live 3,000 miles away. We will be older parents, and will not be around forever. We want to make sure that this child has a support system. Lastly, I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have a sibling. I lean on Ninny (my sister) so much and I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have her support. She gets me like no one else does because we literally came from the same place. We were hoping that the frozen would be for a sibling. I know we are jumping ahead of ourselves and should concentrate on one at a time, but I feel strongly about having two children.
Ultimately, we decided to move forward with a FET in late January early February. We came to this conclusion for many reasons. First, who knows how the FET will turn out. We could be heading for another fresh anyway. Secondly, my body needs a break. Now, that I have come out of my hormone cloud I truly realize what I have put myself through. While I will still have to do Lupron, estrogen patches and PIO, we will not be stimulating my ovaries and doing a minor surgical procedure. I think it will be much easier on me, and hopefully making a better environment. Thirdly, we have a great group of friends with kids that they will be close in age to our child. I know Ninny and I will work hard to make sure that the cousins not only know each other, but they are there for each other. Who knows what technology will be like in the future for them to be able to communicate regularly and be a support system from long distance. I know e-mail, FB, skype and texting have made it so easy for me to be away from my family, imagine what will be possible for them. Also, Greg and I are healthy and this will give us even more incentive to stay that way. Lastly, who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe the next one will not be as hard as I think or maybe we will adopt the second. I am pushing this too hard to fit in a pretty little box. I need to back off, and let things happen as they should. As I have learned the hard way I cannot control this and the more I try the more pressure I am putting on myself. That cannot be helping things. So basically, the decision is keep moving forward, but to let things happen as they will.
In the meantime, I am going to work on the one thing I can control. I am going to be as good as I can to my body, so that it will be good to me and hopefully a visitor in the near future.