I have a new obsession. . . I call it BabyWatch 2010. I am obsessed with feeling Scooby move. It has taken over hours of my day. I also freak out if I go too long without feeling or seeing a movement. Scooby thinks my probes, pleads and prayers to get her to move are annoying (I would too.). I know she needs her rest to grow big and strong. I do really try hard to give her the space she needs. I have been working to distract myself by packing for our move and exercising. However, I can't stop thinking about when was the last time I felt her.
Several times on this blog, I have mentioned that infertility has changed me. Up until this point, I have not been able to articulate exactly how it has changed me, but I have felt different. Recently, I realized that the difference is that I have become so much more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. The 21 months it took to conceive this child and the additional 9 months of her growing inside me have opened me up to a whole new possibility of hurt that I never knew existed. Month after month of wishing and hoping only to be disappointed and hurt, showed me that I have no control over the situation. It did not matter how hard I worked or relaxed about it or read about it, ultimately I could not control how it hurt my heart each month. There was only so much that I could do.
I thought pregnancy would be such a huge relief with less pressure. I thought my nerves would calm at the possibility of a baby at the end of these 9 months. Instead the worry and vulnerability have increased to a whole new level. Pregnancy has brought on all new worries. There are a million useless questions that I have about what is going on or not going on inside my uterus that are not worth mentioning. They are no good except to make me worry. Again, I can stay way from soft cheese, nitrates, booze and caffeine all I want, but there is only so much I can do.
This is a vulnerability that I cannot ignore or run away from or even forget. It is in my face and my only choice is to approach it head on. It is scary and I am frightened on a day to day basis. However, I know she will be worth it and the worry has really only begun. This is my new normal and I am working on how to manage it. I will keep you posted on how that goes.
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I think I could have written your post! I feel so many of the same feelings. You definitely are not alone - hopefully we can help one another manage through the worry!!!
ReplyDeleteI love and so appreciate your honesty- hang in there- I'm sure your little one will be worth it (hug)
ReplyDeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way. My new reality parallels that of a new neurosis. I try to be all Zen about my pregnancy, but in the end, it's all about wondering what that twitch was or "was that a contraction" etc.
You are definitely not alone!
i am with you and i'm not yet pregnant. sometimes, i really wonder if i'm strong enough for this. i'm jumping through hoops and climbing mountains to get pregnant... but then what? how do i calm my nerves and actually believe it will happen once i'm there? its all very very difficult and i hope for you, me and all of us in this crappy world of IF that we get what we want and DESERVE at the end of this shit!
ReplyDeleteI could SO copy and paste this right about now my friend for real. I have not been feeling Superbaby move as much lately and I totally freak out. Then a slight movement and I try to calm myself. Thank IF for making us insane. xoxo
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