Monday, July 12, 2010

The New Normal

I have a new obsession. . . I call it BabyWatch 2010. I am obsessed with feeling Scooby move. It has taken over hours of my day. I also freak out if I go too long without feeling or seeing a movement. Scooby thinks my probes, pleads and prayers to get her to move are annoying (I would too.). I know she needs her rest to grow big and strong. I do really try hard to give her the space she needs. I have been working to distract myself by packing for our move and exercising. However, I can't stop thinking about when was the last time I felt her.

Several times on this blog, I have mentioned that infertility has changed me. Up until this point, I have not been able to articulate exactly how it has changed me, but I have felt different. Recently, I realized that the difference is that I have become so much more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. The 21 months it took to conceive this child and the additional 9 months of her growing inside me have opened me up to a whole new possibility of hurt that I never knew existed. Month after month of wishing and hoping only to be disappointed and hurt, showed me that I have no control over the situation. It did not matter how hard I worked or relaxed about it or read about it, ultimately I could not control how it hurt my heart each month. There was only so much that I could do.

I thought pregnancy would be such a huge relief with less pressure. I thought my nerves would calm at the possibility of a baby at the end of these 9 months. Instead the worry and vulnerability have increased to a whole new level. Pregnancy has brought on all new worries. There are a million useless questions that I have about what is going on or not going on inside my uterus that are not worth mentioning. They are no good except to make me worry. Again, I can stay way from soft cheese, nitrates, booze and caffeine all I want, but there is only so much I can do.

This is a vulnerability that I cannot ignore or run away from or even forget. It is in my face and my only choice is to approach it head on. It is scary and I am frightened on a day to day basis. However, I know she will be worth it and the worry has really only begun. This is my new normal and I am working on how to manage it. I will keep you posted on how that goes.


  1. I think I could have written your post! I feel so many of the same feelings. You definitely are not alone - hopefully we can help one another manage through the worry!!!

  2. I love and so appreciate your honesty- hang in there- I'm sure your little one will be worth it (hug)

  3. Amen.
    I feel exactly the same way. My new reality parallels that of a new neurosis. I try to be all Zen about my pregnancy, but in the end, it's all about wondering what that twitch was or "was that a contraction" etc.
    You are definitely not alone!

  4. i am with you and i'm not yet pregnant. sometimes, i really wonder if i'm strong enough for this. i'm jumping through hoops and climbing mountains to get pregnant... but then what? how do i calm my nerves and actually believe it will happen once i'm there? its all very very difficult and i hope for you, me and all of us in this crappy world of IF that we get what we want and DESERVE at the end of this shit!

  5. I could SO copy and paste this right about now my friend for real. I have not been feeling Superbaby move as much lately and I totally freak out. Then a slight movement and I try to calm myself. Thank IF for making us insane. xoxo