Where I am

Recently, I could not get in to see my hairdresser to get my hair cut and had to see one of her colleagues. I have another friend that sees this woman as well, so I knew she would be able to do the job and I could trust her skills. However, it was the longest haircut of my life. This woman went on and on about her boyfriend and all the drama that is going on between them. Then she asked me how I knew that Greg was the one for me. Instantly I had the answer, it just works. There is no drama. I know with confidence that I love him and he loves me. It just works. It is challenging, but not hard.

This conversation made me realized that I have crossed over to the smug marrieds (Bridget Jones fans) side of the fence. Basically, smug marrieds are to single girls what fertiles are to infertiles. I have been in this woman's shoes before fretting over a boyfriend and wondering if he was the one in the midst of some drama. I could understand her dilemma and my own relationship past from an entirely different perspective because I am on the other side now.

I understand that one of things that held me back when I was dating was that I compared everyone I dated to someone else I dated from my past and projected some of those feelings onto them. Greg was the first guy that I did not compare to someone else. He wasn't Kirk who wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He wasn't Zach who said I didn't challenge him enough. He wasn't Matt who cheated on me and gave me the lamest excuse ever for his inability to stay faithful. Once I met Greg, I understood the stupid saying that bugged me the most when I was single "He's just not into you." Greg treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He is kind, thoughtful and compassionate. I am not saying we do not have challenges, but we keep working on them to the point where we both feel better.

Lately, I have been really struggling to not be so stressed and worried about whether everything is OK with Scooby. I want to enjoy being pregnant and not constantly worry. In the last month, I have seen Scooby on the ultrasound once and on the doppler once. I also started to feel some flutters here and there within the last few days. In my heart, I know everything is OK. However, after months and months of disappointment and then loosing a baby has jaded me, which makes it hard to believe that this could be "the one". The baby that could be different. The baby I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl. The baby that will recognize my voice and calm at my touch. This baby is not like the others that broke my heart. This one could be different.

It took a long time to find Greg. There was a lot of soul searching and lots of loosers, but I finally met the best guy for me. It makes it all worth it. I keep telling myself that come November, I will be able to say the same thing about Scooby. That makes me really excited!!!!! So, I am working on it and getting there, just not completely there. One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at time.

Sucktastic Thankfulness

This week has been sucktastic, but also been such a reflection in the things that I have to be thankful. Sorry for the bullets, but below are my list of things that suck and things I am thankful to have in my life.

I will start with the sucktastic list, so that I can end on a happy note.

- It sucks just plain sucks no other words that we lost Scrappy.
- It sucks that we found this news out as we were coming out of the first trimester. We are now both gun shy about telling people. I feel like I worked hard for this and want to be able to celebrate it. I feel like Greg, Scooby and I all deserve to be over the moon and not gun shy.
- It sucks that every little pain I have right now makes me worry.
- It sucks that now we have a hard decision to make about whether or not to do an amniocentesis. Because it was twins, they did not do the normal blood work that accompanies the NT scan because the results can be skewed. Based on Scooby's measurements, it appears to be a 1:3600 chance of Downs. However, it is not as accurate as it could be, and can not tell us anything about other conditions. The only way to know is to do an amnio, which I did not want to do. I feel like I just had one loss and the possibility of another really scares me. We still haven't decided.
- It sucks that I can now see the worry on Greg's face that used to be exclusive to me. It is like he has lost some innocence. Really we both have.
- It sucks that even though I am out of the first trimester and feeling better, but I really want the reassurance of feeling like shit.

However sucky as those things may be, I have so much more appreciation for the good things I have in my life.

- I am so very thankful, happy and excited about Scooby. I want to scream it as loud as I can and I can not truly put into words exactly how I feel about him/her.
- I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband who has been a huge rock. I always knew I waited for the right man, but in a situation such as this, I know it even more than I ever thought I could. It is great to know he is there and will be there and will step up to the plate instead of running away.
- I am thankful for my in real life friends as well as my blog friends for listening and supporting me. Unfortunately, I know way too many people who have been there, so to hear some say they understand and know the pain makes me feel less alone. Even though I wish they didn't know the pain.
- I am thankful that nature took its course so to speak. This is the ultrasound that we would have found out something was wrong with Scrappy, and may have had to make that decision ourselves. To be perfectly brutally honest, I don't think I could have done it. I just don't think it is in me to do it. Not judging anyone who does, but I am just saying I personally couldn't. It sounds like a horrible plot on Private Practice (which I don't watch anymore by the way because of their ridiculous plot lines where people are faced with terrible decisions).
- I am thankful that we have a new house to distract me and help me move forward.

This week I learned more than ever that life is precious and delicate.

Long Time No Talk

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I hope somebody out there is still reading because I could use some support right now. I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I started keeping a journal in 1996, and one thing that is glaringly obvious when I go back and read them is that I write more when things are not good. It is like my feelings are a caged animal and the only way to get it out is by writing. When things are easier, I just don't get around to writing and do not feel the urgency to do it. I wanted this blog to break me of that, but it seems I fell back into my old habit. So, now for the bad news. We lost Scrappy sometime last week.

If I had written during the easier part. I would have told you that we went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days and both Scooby and Scrappy had grown nicely with heartbeats measuring 178 and 166. I would have told you had my first ob appointment with the nurse and she was super sweet and I liked her. I would have told you that the RE didn't graduate me at 9 weeks, but let me go back at 11 weeks, so that I could get in another ultrasound. I would have told you that at my second ob appointment the doctor decided to bring in the ultrasound machine to see the babies and they were doing well at 11 weeks. Then when I went to the RE later that day, I got see them again moving and dancing around. Scooby was much more active than Scrappy, but Scrappy still had a good heartbeat. I would have told you that we closed on a new house that had plenty of bedrooms for both our babies. These are things I would have told you, if I had written.

So, today at 12 weeks 2 days, we found out that we lost Scrappy. Since I just had an ultrasound last Monday, I know that it happened sometime between April 12 and April 20. I wish I didn't know that. I thought I was supposed to be coming out of the woods. Before I seem all doom and gloom, there is some great news about Scooby! He is measuring a day ahead at 12 weeks 3 days and had a heartbeat of 153. All his nuchal measurements were perfect and he moved around for us. I am happy beyond belief about that and so very thankful, but I am also sad at the same time. I am hoping that unlike my writing I can really work to focus on what is good right now and be thankful instead of being sad. I know that is what I need to do, but it is easier said than done. I want to be happy and strong for Scooby, but I know it will be good for me to grieve a bit for Scrappy. I feel conflicted and confused all at the same time.

This whole fertility thing has changed me and I don't even know quite yet how. I just know that I am different. I guess I will have to think about it and write about it later.

Wondering Thoughts 3-28-2010

Warning: Pregnancy symptoms mentioned and slightly whiny.

- I wonder if anyone will notice if I wear the same two sweaters and yoga pants everyday for the next 3 weeks. I am not ready mentally for maternity clothes, but my stomach is poking out a little, and it is becoming uncomfortable.

- I think pregnancy has reverted my stomach back to when I was 12 years. I am eating foods I have not touched nor thought about in years. Pop tarts and chef boyardee are fantastic.

- I wonder if they need to do an ultrasound on my butt because I think I might be growing a triplet there. Baby's got some back, if you know what I mean. Maybe it is the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. Is it possible for PIO to cause new cellulite to appear. . . or maybe it is the pop tarts and chef boyardee? I think it is too soon to tell.

- I think I may have become the laziest person alive. All I do is sleep and eat. I can no longer clean the house or even read a book.

- I wonder if I will ever be able to cook again. Even making a grilled cheese sandwich turns my stomach. Now, you understand the chef boyardee and pop tarts.

- I have noticed that things that used to only mildly gross me out now make me full on gag. Speaking of, I have found hairs that were not mine in two restaurant meals within the last week. I wonder if they are always in food that I am eating, but pregnancy has given me x-ray vision to see them. Honestly, I don't want to know the answer to that, and will just say I have had some bad luck this week.

- I think I may need to go to rehab to ween myself off of PIO and estrogen patches. It scared the crap out of me when my doctor told me they would just take me off of them cold turkey in about a week or so. Does my body know how to do this without their help? I am not quite convinced.

- I wonder if my sister is going to ask me everyday of my pregnancy if I have any new cravings. I am having a hard enough time with food without having to constantly talk about it. Sorry.

- I never ever in my life thought I would say this, but I am tired of just eating and sleeping. I am hoping for just a bit more energy.

Hopefully, I will write more soon.

Scooby and Scrappy

I hope everyone is doing well out in the Internet world. Yesterday we went in for another ultrasound. We saw TWO heartbeats yesterday. We have decided to call them Scooby (Twin A) and Scrappy(Twin B) for now. One it seems appropriate given the situation and also I used Scooby and Scrappy band aids for shots. Scooby is measuring about a day ahead (7w4d) and had a heartbeat of 159. On the other hand, Scrappy is measuring about 5 days behind and has a heartbeat of 113 (which I think is pretty good for 6w5d). So, it appears that Scrappy implanted a few days behind Scooby, which actually goes along with what I felt around implantation time. Both the ultrasound tech and doctor said that they see this more often in FETs, and that we should not be worried at all. Of course, the infertile in me is going to worry, but I am not as worried as I would have thought. I am feeling much better emotionally. Physically, I am not feeling the best, but that makes me happy and helps contribute to feeling better emotionally.

I am still having some computer issues, so I have not been able to post pics yet. However, I will try to figure something out soon.

Happily Worried

I am having computer issues, so I am working from one our spare laptops. However, I wanted to give an update. We went in today for our first ultrasound. There was some good news and some unsure news. Both embryos implanted and had gestational sacs, yolk sacs, and fetal poles. They both measured on track. Twin A had a very strong heartbeat at 125. She could not confirm cardiac activity on Twin B. There was a flutter, but she could not tell if it was my heartbeat or the baby's. Also, she said that the position it was in made it more difficult to locate. It is possible to have a late implanter, I guess. I go back in next week to see how both of them are doing. I am not sure really how to feel. Totally excited about Twin A, but worried about Twin B. So, I guess I am happily worried?

Bring IT

I have mentioned on this blog many times that I love love love acupuncture. I have become addicted and become convinced that it cures anything that ails me. Hang nail . . . Stacie, my acupuncturist, can fix that. Problems going to the bathroom. . . Stacie can make it happen. Headache today . . . Stacie will make it go away. Egg quality issues. . . Stacie is on top of it. Bruise on my arm. . . Stacie can even fix that too. I have a vague idea of how it all works, but honestly I primarily like the high I get after each session, and it seems to do the trick for any physical or emotional symptom I might have.

Last Thursday, I came in beaming to let Stacie know that after 10 months of working together on my fertility issues, we finally had success. I thanked her for all her help and advice. I told her I was having trouble sleeping, cramping a lot and feeling really bloated. After we went over some things I should expect, how we would schedule appointments moving forward, and different things she thought I should do, she started to do her needling. Soon, I was out like a light and felt like a new woman upon waking.

On Friday my constant cramping started to taper off, and I was sleeping through the night. By Sunday, I was having them just a few times during the day. The nervousness started to kick back in and before I knew it I was googling "cramps going away at 5 weeks." Even though my boobs continued to be sore intermittently and seemed to be getting larger by the minute, I was worried. The exhaustion during the afternoon was also not convincing me either. Then it hit me, Stacie along with some pelvic opening yoga poses she suggested had done their magic on my symptoms. Just like she helps my asthma and makes my digestion improve for a few days after a session, she helped relive my cramps and sleeping problems too.

Today, I went in again for another acupuncture session, and had to have a talk with Stacie. She can work on my asthma, my headaches, my anxiety, but please please do not take away my symptoms. Anything that shows me that I have a sweet little baby growing inside me is off limits. I want want want and NEED symptoms. As a matter of fact, I would gladly welcome more . A little nausea would make me the happiest person ever. I am also happy to report that the cramps are back. Bring IT!