We Have a Problem

Hello, name is Megan and I am infertile. When we first starting seeing an RE almost a year ago,
I did not truly believe that we had a problem. Once they confirmed through various tests that "nothing was wrong", I was even more convinced that we could do this on our own. We just needed a little help from the doctors to make this happen sooner rather than later. I was in complete denial. Now, I have a totally different perspective.

After watching my follicles stop growing last summer on the ultrasound screen during a monitored IUI cycle, things began to shift. After 3 unsuccessful injectable IUI cycles and IVF began to become an option, the truth started to become clearer. We needed help and this was going to be hard. It was a difficult time, and I began to scour the interenet to learn as much as I could about the process. I read blog after blog after blog. As I read them I was encouraged by the success stories and determination of the women still in the battle. It made me feel better to know that there were other people out there admitting their problem and fighting it together.

On Friday, I went for a walk with a very good friend who knows about our fertility issues. Although she has no desire to have a child of her own, she ahs been there to lisetn and support me. After the first IVF ended in a BFN, I felt some distance between us. I knew she felt awkward and did not know what to say. I realized that it was more about her than me and forgave her. Lately, I have made an effort to see her so that she knows I am OK and will be OK. It sucks that I have to make that effort, but that is a whole different post. As we were talking, the conversation turned to my infertility and our plans. She interupted me as we were talking to tell me to stop calling myself infertile that we do not have an official diagnosis (which we do) and I am not infertile. She told me I was not being positive by calling myself infertile. I was kind of taken by suprise. I felt that she was denying of what I am. After months of denying it, I was now admitting it and upset that someone did not see the fight I had before me.

I understand that my friend was trying to be helpful and keep my spirits high. However, to tell me that I am not being positive by admitting my problem felt like it was placing the blame on my attitude instead of our biology. I felt she truly did not understand what I am up against. I have had a good attitude because after each unsuccessful cycle I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and charged ahead into the next cycle. I am in the thick of the fight. I knew I had to explain this too her somehow.

After listening to her for a bit, I told her that just because I am infertile now does not mean I will be forever. However, the facts are the facts. We have been trying for 18 months to have a baby without success. We have sought the help of medical professionals with a good track record for 11 months. Even though my official diagnosis is unexplained, it does not change the fact that I am infertile and I have a long hard fight ahead of me that I have every intention of fighting until the end. I think she was suprised to find me so bothered by her comment. She took it well and told me she would be there to cheer us on. I am not mad at her. I get that she does not get it. However, I am currently in the trenches of this and I am doing everything I can to fight this. I know that this will have the outcome I am hoping for some way, someday, somehow. However, I am past the first step, which admitting I have a problem. Hello, my name is Megan and I am infertile.

Welcome!

Welcome IcomLeaveWe Visitors! To warn you this is my first time participating. I will take this
opportunity to update you on our TTC history. If you want the quick and dirty version it is on the sidebar on the right. Right before Greg and I were married we came up with a brilliant plan. Shortly after the wedding, I would quit my job, so that we could travel the world, and I would manage renovations to our house. In the middle of traveling, we would start working to expand our family, so by the end of the year I would be pregnant.

At first our plan worked wonderfully, we traveled through Asia, Africa, Europe and North America. We saw fireworks in China, leopards in Botswana, vineyards in France and orca whales in Canada. We transformed my husband's bachelor pad into a liveable pad by totally renovating the top floor of our house. Everything worked fantastically, up until the trying to have a baby part.

After we returned from Africa and the malaria drugs were out of my system, we began working to expand our family. When things did not happen after six months, I decided to got see my ob-gyn to get some prelimenary testing. Everthing looked great, but because I was 35 she went ahead and referred us to the RE upstairs. From there we did an HSG on me and a semen analysis on Greg, and still everything looked good. Knowing the clock was ticking, we decided to be aggressive and began IUIs with femera. Due to slightly irregular cycles (anywhere from 27-37 days), we decided to start monitored IUIs after two unsuccessful attempts. The first month we missed ovulation on Day 11. The second attempt, my largest follicle only got to 14.9 mm. We then began IUIs with injectables. After three unsuccessful attempts, we decided to go for the big guns and I finally admitted that we had a problem. We began our IVF cycle last Fall ending with a BFN in November. We cycled so well with 17 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized and 2 beautiful excellent grade 5 day blastocysts transfered with 2 more left to freeze. We were devastated!

However, we picked ourselves up by our bootstraps by taking off for Hawaii right before the holidays and then surrounding ourselves with family and friends for Christmas and New Years. We had a great time getting rejuvenated and not thinking about fertility treatments. (Proof that even if you "just relax" you will not get pregant.) Now, we are back at it. We are in the middle of a Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle. I went in this morning for my bloodwork and baseline ultrasound. My lining looked thin. I am waiting to hear about my E2 level and whether or not I should start my estrogen patches tonight. We are moving on and moving foward.

While doctor's appointments fill up a great deal of my time, I also work at two different preschools with at risk children in therapeutic enviroments, while taking a few classes. I am hoping to go back to graduate school in Child and Family Therapy. The timing is a bit up in the air with the fertility situation. However, I am loving my time working with these special children. While it can be challenging given our current situation, I find that they also heal my broken heart too. They remind me everyday that all this work trying to have a baby will be worth it one day, and everyone has their challenges. Infertility just happens to be ours.

Save the Date

Save the Date

To: Our Child/ren
From: Your Parents
What: Transfer to your temporary home inside Mom's Uterus
When: Week of February 8, 2010 - Date to be confirmed 6 days before transfer
Where: Your Place at the Fertility Clinic
Time: TBD
Attire: Casual and Cozy

Formal Invitation to Follow

Show and Tell - Flowers from the Market

One of my favorite places in Seattle is Pike Place Market. Every time I cross the cobblestone street towards the bright red famous sign, I feel a sense of excitement. As I walk through the main opening past the pig, I always pause to see if the fish market in front of me has a customer. If there is one, I know the show will begin shortly. The famous show where the workers call to one another in some language that I don't know or understand, and then a fish flys through the air. Once I have seen it, I continue my journey west towards beautiful fresh flowers, more fish stalls, stands of fruits and vegetables in every vibrant color of the rainbow, and then out the side door back out in the rain. I cross the next cobblestone street to my favorite hidden eatery for a small bowl of chowder to warm me up from the cold rain. After a hearty warm bite to eat, I continue my stroll. Briefly, I stop in front of Beechers to watch through the window as they make the most delicious tangy cheese I have ever had. I consider cheese a food group, so my word is good in this area. Beechers cheese is not to be missed. From Beechers I can hear the acapela quartet outside of the original Starbucks starting up another song for a small crowd. I wander down just in time to hear their rendition of "This Little Light of Mine". I decide to finish the day by grabbing a pumpkin vanilla frosted cookie from the bakery a few doors down. While I have just scratched the surface of all that can be experienced at this wonderful place, I hope to give a glimpse at what one of my favorite activities in Seattle would be.

To find out what other people are showing visit Mel's at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/.

Stupid Chicken Pox

I never had the chicken pox! Yes, it is true. I am 36 years old and I have never had the chicken pox. Despite the following facts: I personally was in day care until the age of 6, my sister had the chicken pox twice (the second time we shared a bed), I worked in a day care in college and I currently work in a preschool for at risk children, I have never ever had the chicken pox.

Up until September, I assumed that I had a mild undetectable case somewhere along the way because I have been exposed a million zillion times. However, before starting IVF last Fall, I gave blood to test for various communicable diseases, as all women undergoing the procedure must do. One of those test was to see if I had the immunity to the chicken pox. Turns out, I didn't have the immunity to it proving that I in fact never had the chicken pox.

Evidently, it is dangerous to get the chicken pox while you are pregnant to both the mother and child. Therefore, it was important for me to get at least the first part of the 2 part vaccine 30 days prior to the embryo transfer (they want to make sure you have enough time to react). As a result I scrambled around, to find a place to give me the vaccine since my regular doctor was giving me the run around.

Friday, I did the same stupid run around to get the second part of the vaccine 30 days before my transfer, which will hopefully be sometime between February 9-11th. Why did I have to scramble again? I had to scramble again because I am a big fat procrastinator as usual. Unfortunately, I am the 1 and 5 people who gets a reaction from it. The reaction is a huge welt with a knot in the middle that is warm to the touch. If it is like last time, it will soon turn into a bruise. I have gotten it both times. It is not that big of a deal, but it is highly annoying! The best part is that I never ever have to do it again.

Mom Strikes Again

After yoga and a delightful dinner in front of the TV, I fire up the laptop and hit Facebook to see what has happened in the world since I left it this morning. Among the pictures, NY Times links and other ramblings I notice that many women are posting a color in their status. I first consult Google to find out what is going on and then I also notice that I have an e-mail in my FB inbox giving me the details. Basically, women are listing what color bra they have on to raise awareness for breast cancer.

I go back to my cyberstalking as I ponder whether or not I want to participate. Then I see it . . . MY MOM announcing to the world what color bra she is wearing. I get it is a good cause. I get that "everyone else is doing it". I get that I should be proud of her for being socially conscious. I get that it isn't that big of a deal. Regardless, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Now I need to go warn my husband to skip over her post. I hope my old roommate, friend from high school, third grade teacher and former soccer teammate skip it too! I love my Mom and I am proud of her, but ugh.

Holiday Recap

I am alive, I promise. I have been reading more than I have been writing lately, but I am ready to get back at it. I am currently recovering from traveling to 6 states within 15 days.

We started off our holidays travels with a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. We swam in the ocean, relaxed by the pool, walked nature trails, and visited volcanoes. We left paradise on the 22nd returning briefly to Seattle to regroup and pack for Portland. Then we took the train on Christmas Eve to visit Greg's family on Christmas Eve. We ate delicous Greek food and played a super fun game of bingo for the family gift exchange. After opening presents and eating more food we returned to Seattle Christmas night to once again to regroup and pack. We flew into Atlanta the evening of the 26th and spent the night with my Aunt and Uncle. We visited with them and had great sausage biscut breakfast before heading east on I-20 to South Carolina to see my parents and sister's family. There we relaxed watching movies, playing games with my nephews, eating lots of fooding and strolling the park. After 4 or 5 days of family fun, we packed up the rental car for the 4 hour drive to Chattanooga, Tennesse to visit my best friend and her family. We went to dinner and to a concert to ring in the new year. This is where the crazy part came in. Not because of the cocktails had, because I am on the wagon these days, but the lack of sleep After getting in around 1:30 in the morning, we turned around and woke up at 4:30 AM to catch a 10 AM flight in Atlanta back to Seattle. To sup it up: Hawaii FANTASTIC, Oregon FUN, Georgia NICE, South Carolina RELAXING and Tennesse SHORT. We love traveling and we had blast on all of our trips, but my body promptly reminded me that I am not 21 anymore by getting jet lag and a cold upon returning. The good news is, that they have both already passed. This past holiday was a good one! All of our trips were fun, no one got on our nerves, and most importantly we were able to relax.

Although I had fun the last few weeks, AF arrived while I was in South Carolina proving the theory that if I "just relax I will get pregnant" is a bad one. I was not disappointed, but excited to get started on our FET cycle. More details to come, but in the mean time Happy New Year!