Below Average Athlete

Our Birth Story

2010-11-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. Before becoming pregnant, I always saw myself having a C-section. Mostly the thought of pushing something that large out of my whooha was kind of frightening to me after stories I had heard. I also worried that my husband would not be able to see my whooha attractive ever again. Once it became clear that we would be doing IVF, my desire to have a C-section became stronger. After all, there had been nothing natural about getting pregnant, why start with delivery.

With the help of some wonderful doctors and an overall desire to do the best thing possible for my child, I came around to wanting to deliver vaginally and going as long as possible without medication. Although I was clear that this is what I wanted to do, I procrastinated on developing my birth plan. So, when my water broke unexpectedly at 36 weeks and 5 days. I found myself unprepared. No bag packed, no nursery together, and no birth plan printed to give to every nurse or doctor during labor. However, it all worked out exactly as I wanted and for that I am very lucky.

It started around Friday, October 8, around 5PM. I had gone to the hairdresser to get my hair done. We finished early, but she told me that an old friend of mine was coming after me. I decided to stay to visit with my friend. While I was hanging out, I stood up and it felt like I wet my pants. I quietly excused myself to go check out the situation. Sure enough, my panties were soaked, but not through to my pants. I went back out front and asked my friend and hairdresser if either of their water had broken when they gave birth. Neither one had that experience, but encouraged me to call the doctor. I called the doctor who told me to put on a pad and call her in an hour if it soaked through. Luckily, my hairdresser had a pad. I put it on, texted my husband to meet me at the house and headed out into rush hour traffic to get home. In the hour it took me to get home, the pad had soaked through. Greg got home about the same time I did. I called the doctor again and she said to come on to the hospital to get checked out. Both of us were surprisingly calm, as we packed our bags to go to the hospital. I can't remember what I took, but all of it was useless because I did not use any of it while there.

Before we headed off to the hospital, we said a prayer for our new family to get through this safely with a healthy outcome. By the time, we reached the hospital, I had soaked several pads. We headed to triage where they confirmed that my water in fact had broken and I was having contractions. At this point, I could not feel the contractions at all. Once we met with the doctor and found out I was 2cm dilated (luckily, my doctor and another doctor that I love were both on call during my labor, so I was super excited about that), I was formally admitted we called my sister, parents and Greg's mother to let them know that we were at the hospital and our little girl would be here soon. The doctor told us to go get some dinner and walk around the hospital to get labor going while we waited on a birthing suite. Our plan all along was that my sister would come to Seattle from South Carolina the first week to help us out, so our first agenda item was to work with her to make travel arrangements. This took longer than we thought, but we got it worked out and then headed to the cafeteria to have our last meal as a childless couple. We took pictures of our last meal shared at the hospital to save for later. At this point it is around midnight and we set off to explore the hospital. Our RE's and OB's offices are both attached to the hospital by skybridges. We first walked over to the elevators we had taken many times to go to the RE and through tears we told Gracious the story of how she came to be. Because the building was empty, we were able to spend time there together, holding each other and talking to our soon to be born daughter. We then took the skybridge over to the elevators leading up to the OB and pediatricians offices, and we told her about going there to see her on the ultrasounds and how we would be visiting there often in the future to see her new doctor at the pediatrician. After all of this, it was time to head back upstairs to see if we had a birthing suite.

Once we were in the birthing suite, we met Marlowe who was our first labor nurse. I was hooked up to all the machines to monitor heart rates and contractions. Although I was having contractions, I still was not feeling them. However, I was dilated to 3cm. They decided to start pitocin since my water had broken and they wanted me to deliver sometime the next day. I begged them to let me try and make it to 10/10/10 for two reasons. First, I would be officially 37 weeks and full term and that would be a really cool birthday. However, my doctor was adimit that we go ahead and get things started to try and avoid infection after my water breaking. Of course, I gave in wanting to do the best thing for all involved. After drugs were administered both Greg and I tried to get some sleep. However, sleep was not in the cards for me. One I was too wound up to even think about sleep, and the pitocin made it so that I started feeling the contractions. At 7 AM, there was a nurse shift change and I was in some pretty bad pain at this point. Our new nurse, Ms. Choi, introduced herself and immediately started throwing pillows around me and man handling me. At first, I was kind of annoyed, but once she finished I felt so comfortable and knew that this woman was going to take really good care of me. Several hours later, Ms. Choi offered me some pain medication to take the edge off to help me get some sleep. I gave in and took it. I felt fantastic for a bit with this and got a little bit of rest. At this point, I completely trusted Ms. Choi and did everything she told me to do. When she thought it was time to do the epidural, I took her word for it and did it. She held me while I got it done and immediately felt relief. My doctor came in to check and I was only at 4cm, so they upped the pitocin to make my contractions more effective. By this point, Greg's family had arrived and were starting to get bored waiting at the hospital. We gave them a list of things we needed from Costco and BabysRUs and sent them on there way. We told them we would call them when we were closer.

A few hours later, the doctor came back to check on me and sure enough we were ready to go. We then began pushing. This is a weird experience that I don't think I can describe. Plus, I will admit it would probably a little TMI. However, I will say this it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I will say my days of being a below average athlete did help me through. PreIVF, I did a boot camp four days a week. There was drill we would do where we would get in rows of four people. We would then jog and the person in the back of the line would have to sprint to get to the front as everyone else continued to jog. There were several hills along the route and it sucked to have a turn sprinting at the bottom of the hill. After completing the drill one day a few us were complaining about the hills. One of the women who was in her late 50s and usually put the rest of to shame told us she loved the hills and ran faster on them to make them go quicker. From then on, I have looked at hills differently while running. I kept thinking about pushing harder and going faster to help things progress. I was surprisingly quiet and focused during the entire labor. Finally, at 7:30 PM on 10/9/10 Gracious made her entrance into the world. They were able to put her on my chest immediately and it was amazing!

I will admit the recovery has been much harder than the labor. However, I am about 98% back to normal. We are happily adjusting to this new member of the family. She is beautiful, wonderful and the biggest challenge of my life. We have plenty of family members and visitors here and are very lucky.

Really Good Excuse

2010-10-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

So this time, I have a really good excuse for being MIA. For the purposes of this blog, meet Gracious. She was born 10/9/10. She weighed 5lbs and 14oz and 18 inches long. My water broke the night before. I was 36 weeks and 6 days and 4 and half hours from full term. Despite jaundice and a little bit of family drama, we are all doing well. She is perfect and I am falling in love all over again. Hopefully, I will write more on the birth story later.

Thanks! (preggo pictures)

2010-10-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your support during a very whiny day! I am happy to report that I am feeling much better.

- My excitement for the day is that belly button became an outie. It is the little things.

- We have been talking about going to the movies more because we know that it will be difficult once Baby Girl arrives. We saw Catfish and Freakonomics this weekend. Both interesting movies that make you think. Hopefully, we will be able to continue this for the next few weeks. I love going to the movies.

- The house is finally at a manageable state. I have only one and half more rooms that I am responsible for, so I feel better. I finally feel like we live here. There is still much more decorating and picture hanging to go, but I figure we are in this house for the long haul and I have time.

- My MIL is coming tomorrow for a few days. She is primarily coming to take a Grandparents class on Tuesday and "to help". I am excited for her to take the grandparents class and hear about it. She is a very kind woman with the best of intentions, but sometimes she tells me what to do too much and sometimes not in very nice ways. I used to let this stuff roll off my back, but pregnancy hormones aren't allowing that. Plus, I think I am going to get a bit more assertive when it comes to my child, so we will see how this goes.

- I think a good friend may have stumbled across my blog. She causally mentioned a few things the other day on the telephone that were things I had written here. She could just be observing the same things I am (i.e. not many people bought things off my registry at the shower), but I am not 100% sure. She is still in the trenches of infertility, so it is possible she came across it innocently enough. I haven't really said anything on here that I would worry about, but still, I want this blog to be anonymous.

- My Mom had both my sister and me prematurely. I was born at 32 weeks and 5 days. My sister was born at 35 weeks and 4 days. Now that I have surpassed both of those days, my anxiety has gone way down. I never realized how nervous I was about premature births until they came to pass. I know things can still happen, but I feel better about it. Give me a few days and some internet searches and I am sure I can find something to worry about though.

- Besides the lack of sleep and this bowling ball I am carrying around, I feel pretty good. I am surprisingly OK with the lack of sleep these days. However, I do believe that at the end of this process is designed to make you so uncomfortable that you are willing to go to through a very painful experience just to know that you can get comfortable again at some point in the near future.

Bottom line, 27 more days to go!

Pictures by Sandra Coan Photography

WARNING: I Am Feeling Really Whiney

2010-09-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

- I am feeling pretty whiney today. I slept horribly last night and just have not gotten my groove today. I could not find some important documents this morning and I got pretty frustrated. I couldn't move some of the boxes that I needed to get into to look for what was missing because they were too heavy. I was just frustrated that I couldn't get done what I needed to do without help.

- My MIL is bugging me. She made some snippy comments this weekend that would normally roll off my back, but in my current state I am taking it personally. I know it is me not her.

- I am wanting to see my IRL friends right now, but am having a hard time getting schedules to line up.

- My poor husband, is a saint to put up with me right now.

- Things I have learned in my pregnancy. When you see a pregnant woman never comment on their size whether you think she is large or small. Always tell her how great she looks! Also, I know it is fun to buy things for babies, but there is a registry for a reason. I think my baby registry has way more useful things on it than my wedding registry. Yet, I have mostly gotten clothes from people.

- This time last year, I started lupron for the IVF cycle that created Scooby. I feel like I have been pregnant for 12 months already.

Sorry if this all comes off as whiney and bitchy about being pregnant. I will take the lack of sleep and crazy hormones any day to be where I am. However, that doesn't change the fact that this can be hard at times. 32 days left. Not that I am counting.

32 Weeks 5 Day Milestone

2010-09-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

Please accept my apologies for once again going MIA. We are moved into the new house, but are no where near unpacked. We will get there. As I have learned the hard way, patience is a virtue. I have been back online for a few weeks with intermittent computer issues along the way. As a result, posting has been difficult, but I have tried to keep up on blogs and comment here and there. Now for a quick update:

- I bet you didn't know that 32 weeks and 5 days is a big milestone in a pregnancy, but it definitely is for me. In my mother's pregnancy with me, I was born at 32 weeks and 5 days (yes, I am so obsessed that I figured it out). It makes me feel good to get this far because I feel I don't have any obvious issues from being premature 37 years ago. I am sure there are things that I have dealt with along the way that I never realized because I do not know any different. However, I feel like I have led a normal life and makes me feel good to get this far. While I would prefer that she make it to at least 37 weeks, I know that is possible for her to come now and be OK. The doctor surprised me the other day telling me that they would just let labor happen at 34 weeks. Wow!

- Speaking of doctors, my ob left the practice about 2 weeks ago. Yes, 2 months before giving birth I am starting over with a new doctor. The same thing happened to me at the fertility clinic and it turned out better. Therefore, I am taking it in stride. I have met two other doctors in the practice since then and like them well enough. It really isn't that big of a deal because I get whichever doctor is on call the day I deliver, so there is a chance she wouldn't have been there anyway.

- Acupuncture and therapy have been helping a lot with my anxiety. I also feel like getting farther along has helped too. Her movement is still amazing!!! I love it. I still get worried if she has a "lazy" day. However, I am getting better at dealing with it. The other day instead of obsessing I went out and bought some baby books. I am finally reading them and preparing.

- I am also working at getting things prepared for her arrival. I refinished an old buffet that we used in our dining room to use as the changing table. We are getting a crib from a friend that is in the process of transitioning her 3 year old to a big girl bed. It is one of the Pottery Barn recalled ones. However, they have the fix for it. We decided that we would rather have a crib that has been scrutinized and fixed then one where they are still waiting to find problems. I ordered a glider last week and it may or may not be here before she arrives, but I am not going to stress over it. We are getting a co-sleeper from a friend. We got a pack and play at the Target baby sale. My MIL has been busy buying baby clothes. We had a bit of a run in last week because she bought all kinds of fleecy and furry clothes in a size 9 month. The problem is that she will be 9 months old in August. While it is not super hot here anytime, fleece and really furry jumpers may not work. She said that she will probably be able to wear them sooner and they would be appropriate. That may be true, but at this stage of the game we have no idea of how she is going to fit into things. Babies in my family are typically small. Plus, neither my husband nor me are very big people. I am not expecting to have a gigantic kid. However, this is one of those we will just have to wait and see what happens and I am not going to battle it too hard right now. Trying to choose my battles.

- My shower is in two weeks. I am pretty excited because my Mom, best friend and another friend are coming in from the East coast. I feel really honored that they are coming this far to be here for it. I didn't expect that at all. I know when I moved 3000 miles away that having everyone participate in things is not realistic. It is just the way it goes.

- We are in the middle of a 6 week childbirth/breastfeeding/newborn care class. It has been great to be around other pregnant women. There are two that have the same due date. We still need to do infant CPR/ First aid and child seat safety. My MIL is also going to take a grandparents class. Greg has really enjoyed being more involved in getting ready.

- I don't talk about my work in at risk preschools much because of privacy reasons. However, for the last two years I have worked 2 days a week in a preschool with 6 week to 18 month olds. Many of these young kids are facing a lot of difficulties and trauma and have been removed from their homes at a very young age. The preschool that I work in is fabulous because it is giving them consistent loving support on a daily basis. Many people asked how I could face this while dealing with infertility. However, I will tell you that it is one of the main things that got me through those hard times. I felt many times that I needed these kids to help fill the hole in my heart as much as they needed me to help rock them to sleep. Their issues were not their fault and I felt like I was doing something to help make it better for them and me. I also learned soooooo much from the amazing teachers there that I will use with my child. If I have any advice to those still in the infertility trenches (if they still even read this blog), is to find a child to help make that hole in your heart a little smaller. It may hurt or sting a little, but I can say from experience that the time I had to learn from these children has already made me a better mother. The reason I am bringing this up now is because yesterday was my last day with them. My belly is getting in the way, and it is for the best. However, I will miss them so much. They made me a beautiful painting that will go in the baby's room to remind me of those difficult times and all they taught me.

So, that is what has been going on with me for the most part. I will work hard to continue to post more regularly. In the meantime, take care!

Little Tid Bits

2010-07-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

- We are in the middle of moving, so things are quite busy. Movers will be here on Monday. Final count down. Only 2 more sleeps until we are in the new house! Yay!

- I am a little "plugged in" and need to go on one of those Oprah spend a day without technology boot camps. Turns out my husband thinks this is a good idea because we currently do not have cable or Internet ready to go at the new house. I have tried to warn him how this may turn out, but I don't think he truly understands that this pregnant lady is going to go nuts when she doesn't get to watch Bethenny Getting Married on Thursday. This should be interesting. So, posts and commenting may be a little sparse for awhile.

- Beside the lack of TV and Internet, I am anxious that most of our furniture will not be delivered until the middle of August. Also, we do not have air conditioning in the new house. So far, we have had a pretty mild summer (Thank you, God). However, August might get a little tough. Women have babies in third world countries all the time in much harsher conditions, so I am sure I will be fine. However, I will still be a bit whiny.

- Scooby has her busy days and her down days. It still makes me nervous on the down days. I got so nervous about it the other day that I went in to get checked. The doctor was very compassionate about the whole thing. She told me not to worry about coming in that I had been through a lot and she wanted me to be comfortable. I have a super compassionaet OB and I am very thankful for that. I am working through the anxiousness aa bit better. Other than BabyWatch 2010 anxiousness, I am feeling pretty good.

I will keep up as much as I can over the next few weeks via my phone. In the meantime, I am going to be working on the two houses a ton and reading to relax. Take care!

The New Normal

2010-07-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have a new obsession. . . I call it BabyWatch 2010. I am obsessed with feeling Scooby move. It has taken over hours of my day. I also freak out if I go too long without feeling or seeing a movement. Scooby thinks my probes, pleads and prayers to get her to move are annoying (I would too.). I know she needs her rest to grow big and strong. I do really try hard to give her the space she needs. I have been working to distract myself by packing for our move and exercising. However, I can't stop thinking about when was the last time I felt her.

Several times on this blog, I have mentioned that infertility has changed me. Up until this point, I have not been able to articulate exactly how it has changed me, but I have felt different. Recently, I realized that the difference is that I have become so much more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. The 21 months it took to conceive this child and the additional 9 months of her growing inside me have opened me up to a whole new possibility of hurt that I never knew existed. Month after month of wishing and hoping only to be disappointed and hurt, showed me that I have no control over the situation. It did not matter how hard I worked or relaxed about it or read about it, ultimately I could not control how it hurt my heart each month. There was only so much that I could do.

I thought pregnancy would be such a huge relief with less pressure. I thought my nerves would calm at the possibility of a baby at the end of these 9 months. Instead the worry and vulnerability have increased to a whole new level. Pregnancy has brought on all new worries. There are a million useless questions that I have about what is going on or not going on inside my uterus that are not worth mentioning. They are no good except to make me worry. Again, I can stay way from soft cheese, nitrates, booze and caffeine all I want, but there is only so much I can do.

This is a vulnerability that I cannot ignore or run away from or even forget. It is in my face and my only choice is to approach it head on. It is scary and I am frightened on a day to day basis. However, I know she will be worth it and the worry has really only begun. This is my new normal and I am working on how to manage it. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

Crazy Lady

2010-07-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Hello, Crazy Lady. Not so nice to meet you. We recently bought patio furniture for our new backyard at Home Depot. Greg saw earlier in the week that the set is now $100 cheaper than what we paid for it a few weeks ago. Because we love to save a buck and we are spending a ton of money right now, I trekked 20 minutes over to the Home Depot to see if we could get a $100 credit. I mosied over to Customer Service. The guy told me he was going to be awhile with the customer he was helping and sent me down to the Contractor desk (clearly, I am not a contractor). One of the guys there asked me what I needed, and I explained to him what I was looking to do. He handed it off to another guy, who told me that I must go back to Customer Service. Then I kind of lost it on the guy. I don't know what came over me, but I just felt like the buck kept being passed around and that everyone else in the store was more important than giving me back my $100. If you knew me in real life, you would know that I am pretty patient and even keeled. Plus, I have worked in service and know what it is like for people to yell and scream. So, this was really out of character for me. I ended up not getting the $100 credit, but that is a whole other story. Turns out it was never $100 cheaper. Thanks for trying though, Crazy Lady.

After my Home Depot adventures, I headed to Wendys to get a Strawberry milkshake because all of a sudden the baby really really needed one. I pulled up to the drive through and placed my order. The woman informed me that they do not have strawberry just chocolate and vanilla. At first, I wanted to yell out my car window for everyone in line to hear "Then why do you have a beautiful picture of a strawberry milkshake with whip cream and a cherry on top on your menu tempting a pregnant lady?" Luckily, I was able to control my inner crazy and just told her that I was no longer interested. The good news is that there was a Jack in the Box close by and I was able to get one there. Thank you, Jack for helping out the Crazy Lady.

Now, I think I need to stay home and not talk to anyone until I can get the crazy a little more under control.

Two Two and Two

2010-06-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

- First thanks for the advice on the the free stuff. I was able to buy bedding this week and that made a little more in control. If you want to check it out the link is below: http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/sophie-nursery-bedding/?pkey=bgirls-nursery-bedding

- Today I am 22 weeks and 2 days! It reminds me of the show Love Connection from the 80s, where the host Chuck Wholery would always say, "We will be back in two and two," when the show went to commercial. The fact that I remember that show proves that I am old. It also proves that I have a long long history of watching really crappy TV. Regardless, I am excited to be two two and two. One day at a time, I guess.

- Greg and I are very very frugal. As a result, I have been combing the Seattle area the last few days in search of the perfect drum shade light that will go over our new kitchen table. My problem is that what I want is not within my budget. I will get it figured out. I am determined.

- Little girl is kicking away in there. Today I actually saw a kick for the first time. It was pretty cool.

- I am going to admit, I am one of those people. I have tickets to see Twilight tomorrow. I am glad that the movies are getting further along in the series. Bella really annoyed me at the begining or the book series. Kristin Stewart is the perfect actress to play her because her "I hate being famous", routine gets on my nerves too. I am sure in real life she is a nice person, but I kind of feel like if you don't want to be famous you don't have to be. Just my opinion.

- My doctor scared the crap out of me today by leaving me a message to confirm that everything from my anatomy scan last week looked great. I thought that was fantastic that she took the time to call about it. However, I have always thought doctors call personally if the news is bad, so I was suprised to find she called with good news.

All in all things are going well. I hope everyone else out there is having a good Tuesday!

Two in One Week!!!

2010-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

- The last day or so, I am feeling much better. Sometimes I feel like pregnancy feels like constantly being hungover. I know I will feel better, but it just not knowing how long I am going to feel bad.

- I am fairly overwhelmed with our big move. Currently, we have people doing some work on the new house and that is going well. Two weeks ago we had the hardwood floors refinished. Last week electricians came in to add another circuit upstairs so that we can use the washer and dryer connections up there with the air conditioner. They also updated some things that were found during the inspection. The contractor has started some miscellaneous projects in the basement. Today the painter is getting started. We are making progress, but I know we have a long way to go. Packing has me overwhelmed because physically I cannot keep up the same.

- I have gotten out for more walks this week, but need to keep working on it. One walk included a stop at the local ice cream shop. Not sure that one counts. Good effort though.

- I am finally feeling confident enough to research baby gear. I asked one friends (she has two girls) to help me come up with a registry and her answer was that I can have all of her stuff. She even had a bunch of stuff brought to my house without me knowing. Another friend offered a crib and changing table. On top of that, my MIL will buy way way more clothes and things than we need. I am really excited about the stuff and the prospect of spending less money especially considering we are doing more than our fair share of stimulating the economy these days. However, I worked really really hard for this pregnancy and it has not been an easy road since getting pregnant. I want to research, I want to register, and I want to get some of my own stuff. Since I was the second daughter in my own family, I have had a lifetime of hand me downs. I appreciate the free stuff for sure, but I want some of my own stuff too. I am working to figure out a way to balance all this wonderful generosity with my own desire to get ready for this baby myself. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful!!! If anyone has advice, I am open to it.

- I did not get to watch Bethenny Getting Married? last night. After suffering through the lost footage from Real Housewives of New York, Greg had had enough. Bravo has reruns on constantly so I am sure I will get to catch up. The New York cast is my favorite even though they were a little out there this season. Bethenny is also my favorite among them. I love her snarkiness. I really like her new show especially since she is knocked up. I am glad to hear there are other Real Housewives out there that share my obsession!

- Best baby news of the week. We had to go in yesterday for another ultrasound because there were some spine measurements from the anatomy scan that baby girl would not get in position to get. She was more than cooperative this time. Good girl! She was as cute as ever sucking her thumb with her foot in the air. She had the hiccups for a bit too. I am feeling more and more movement as time goes on (hopefully, I didn't just jinx myself). I have found that she likes music. According to some of my reading, she should be able to hear some things now. When I put some earphones on my tummy, she starts moving more. Either she hates it and is trying to tell me to stop or she is dancing. I would like to think she is dancing. Her maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather were both musically inclined, so there is some potential for her as well.

- Two posts in one week! I know the bullets are kind of obnoxious, but they just might work.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Bullets

2010-06-23T15:22:00.001-07:00

- I am going to apologize for this post and the hopefully several to come that are in bullet form. I have so many posts that are swirling in my head all the time, that I never get out. I am thinking about it too much instead of just doing it. I know when I first started to work out I started small to build the habit and maybe I can do the same with writing. Better to do something than nothing, I guess. So, it is bullets for now.

- I overdid it this weekend and I am paying the price. I helped a friend get ready for her 1 year old's party all day Friday. Then attended the party on Saturday. Sunday we had a party for one of my close friend's 40th birthday at our new house (that we have not moved into yet). All parties were great. However, the Sunday party was a little stressful because it rained a lot and it was an outdoor party because we have not moved in. Plus, we just refinished the floors, so inside was not an option. Luckily, we were able to pull together several tents and built two different fires. Needless to say, it was too much for this pregnant girl. I am not the party girl I used to be and it isn't necessarily the lack of alcohol.

- I woke up Monday with a sore throat and bad headache. However, with a little accupuncture and lots of Vitamin C, I am feeling a bit better.

- Prior to being pregnant, I worked out about 4 or 5 times a week and ate fairly well. Pregnancy has reverted me back to my 18 year old carefree habits. I hardly ever work out and my diet could be better. I am trying, but it is just not happening. I read the other day that she can now taste what I am eating and it will form her preferences. My carefree ways need to change. I am going to put it out there though that I am going to work out at least 3 times this week. I find that if I am more active, I start to make better food choices. I will keep you posted.

- I have been feeling some movement for about two or three weeks. Some days I feel more than others, and I freak out if I think it has been too long. Sometimes I jiggle my stomach to wake her up to move. If I were her, I would be highly annoyed and wouldn't do it just to prove a point to my annoying mother.

- I watched Tori Spelling and Dean McDermont on Ellen DeGenress show today. They were trying to be funny by talking about farting and nipples. Ellen clearly thought they were stupid and it made me laugh.

- Speaking of really bad TV, I cannot stop myself from watching anything and everything Real Housewives. Please, I need an intervention. Maybe I should start working out instead. I don't know, just a thought.

Hope everyone is doing well and I hope to be around a bit more!

Anatomy Scan

2010-06-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

We had our anatomy scan yesterday, and everything looks good! Brain, heart, kidneys, bladder, arms, legs, spine, and placenta looked good. She had trouble getting one measurment around the neck and spine because the baby would not get in the correct position. Therefore, I am going back in about 2 weeks to try again.

We also found out that we are having a GIRL!!!!! I am really really excited!!! I think Greg is a tad disappointed it is not a boy, but isn't really showing it. I think he will be a really good Dad for a girl. He is so sweet and thoughtful, which all girls need.

Where I am

2010-05-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Recently, I could not get in to see my hairdresser to get my hair cut and had to see one of her colleagues. I have another friend that sees this woman as well, so I knew she would be able to do the job and I could trust her skills. However, it was the longest haircut of my life. This woman went on and on about her boyfriend and all the drama that is going on between them. Then she asked me how I knew that Greg was the one for me. Instantly I had the answer, it just works. There is no drama. I know with confidence that I love him and he loves me. It just works. It is challenging, but not hard.

This conversation made me realized that I have crossed over to the smug marrieds (Bridget Jones fans) side of the fence. Basically, smug marrieds are to single girls what fertiles are to infertiles. I have been in this woman's shoes before fretting over a boyfriend and wondering if he was the one in the midst of some drama. I could understand her dilemma and my own relationship past from an entirely different perspective because I am on the other side now.

I understand that one of things that held me back when I was dating was that I compared everyone I dated to someone else I dated from my past and projected some of those feelings onto them. Greg was the first guy that I did not compare to someone else. He wasn't Kirk who wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He wasn't Zach who said I didn't challenge him enough. He wasn't Matt who cheated on me and gave me the lamest excuse ever for his inability to stay faithful. Once I met Greg, I understood the stupid saying that bugged me the most when I was single "He's just not into you." Greg treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He is kind, thoughtful and compassionate. I am not saying we do not have challenges, but we keep working on them to the point where we both feel better.

Lately, I have been really struggling to not be so stressed and worried about whether everything is OK with Scooby. I want to enjoy being pregnant and not constantly worry. In the last month, I have seen Scooby on the ultrasound once and on the doppler once. I also started to feel some flutters here and there within the last few days. In my heart, I know everything is OK. However, after months and months of disappointment and then loosing a baby has jaded me, which makes it hard to believe that this could be "the one". The baby that could be different. The baby I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl. The baby that will recognize my voice and calm at my touch. This baby is not like the others that broke my heart. This one could be different.

It took a long time to find Greg. There was a lot of soul searching and lots of loosers, but I finally met the best guy for me. It makes it all worth it. I keep telling myself that come November, I will be able to say the same thing about Scooby. That makes me really excited!!!!! So, I am working on it and getting there, just not completely there. One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at time.

Sucktastic Thankfulness

2010-04-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been sucktastic, but also been such a reflection in the things that I have to be thankful. Sorry for the bullets, but below are my list of things that suck and things I am thankful to have in my life.

I will start with the sucktastic list, so that I can end on a happy note.

- It sucks just plain sucks no other words that we lost Scrappy.
- It sucks that we found this news out as we were coming out of the first trimester. We are now both gun shy about telling people. I feel like I worked hard for this and want to be able to celebrate it. I feel like Greg, Scooby and I all deserve to be over the moon and not gun shy.
- It sucks that every little pain I have right now makes me worry.
- It sucks that now we have a hard decision to make about whether or not to do an amniocentesis. Because it was twins, they did not do the normal blood work that accompanies the NT scan because the results can be skewed. Based on Scooby's measurements, it appears to be a 1:3600 chance of Downs. However, it is not as accurate as it could be, and can not tell us anything about other conditions. The only way to know is to do an amnio, which I did not want to do. I feel like I just had one loss and the possibility of another really scares me. We still haven't decided.
- It sucks that I can now see the worry on Greg's face that used to be exclusive to me. It is like he has lost some innocence. Really we both have.
- It sucks that even though I am out of the first trimester and feeling better, but I really want the reassurance of feeling like shit.

However sucky as those things may be, I have so much more appreciation for the good things I have in my life.

- I am so very thankful, happy and excited about Scooby. I want to scream it as loud as I can and I can not truly put into words exactly how I feel about him/her.
- I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband who has been a huge rock. I always knew I waited for the right man, but in a situation such as this, I know it even more than I ever thought I could. It is great to know he is there and will be there and will step up to the plate instead of running away.
- I am thankful for my in real life friends as well as my blog friends for listening and supporting me. Unfortunately, I know way too many people who have been there, so to hear some say they understand and know the pain makes me feel less alone. Even though I wish they didn't know the pain.
- I am thankful that nature took its course so to speak. This is the ultrasound that we would have found out something was wrong with Scrappy, and may have had to make that decision ourselves. To be perfectly brutally honest, I don't think I could have done it. I just don't think it is in me to do it. Not judging anyone who does, but I am just saying I personally couldn't. It sounds like a horrible plot on Private Practice (which I don't watch anymore by the way because of their ridiculous plot lines where people are faced with terrible decisions).
- I am thankful that we have a new house to distract me and help me move forward.

This week I learned more than ever that life is precious and delicate.

Long Time No Talk

2010-04-21T04:51:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I hope somebody out there is still reading because I could use some support right now. I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I started keeping a journal in 1996, and one thing that is glaringly obvious when I go back and read them is that I write more when things are not good. It is like my feelings are a caged animal and the only way to get it out is by writing. When things are easier, I just don't get around to writing and do not feel the urgency to do it. I wanted this blog to break me of that, but it seems I fell back into my old habit. So, now for the bad news. We lost Scrappy sometime last week.

If I had written during the easier part. I would have told you that we went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks 3 days and both Scooby and Scrappy had grown nicely with heartbeats measuring 178 and 166. I would have told you had my first ob appointment with the nurse and she was super sweet and I liked her. I would have told you that the RE didn't graduate me at 9 weeks, but let me go back at 11 weeks, so that I could get in another ultrasound. I would have told you that at my second ob appointment the doctor decided to bring in the ultrasound machine to see the babies and they were doing well at 11 weeks. Then when I went to the RE later that day, I got see them again moving and dancing around. Scooby was much more active than Scrappy, but Scrappy still had a good heartbeat. I would have told you that we closed on a new house that had plenty of bedrooms for both our babies. These are things I would have told you, if I had written.

So, today at 12 weeks 2 days, we found out that we lost Scrappy. Since I just had an ultrasound last Monday, I know that it happened sometime between April 12 and April 20. I wish I didn't know that. I thought I was supposed to be coming out of the woods. Before I seem all doom and gloom, there is some great news about Scooby! He is measuring a day ahead at 12 weeks 3 days and had a heartbeat of 153. All his nuchal measurements were perfect and he moved around for us. I am happy beyond belief about that and so very thankful, but I am also sad at the same time. I am hoping that unlike my writing I can really work to focus on what is good right now and be thankful instead of being sad. I know that is what I need to do, but it is easier said than done. I want to be happy and strong for Scooby, but I know it will be good for me to grieve a bit for Scrappy. I feel conflicted and confused all at the same time.

This whole fertility thing has changed me and I don't even know quite yet how. I just know that I am different. I guess I will have to think about it and write about it later.

Wondering Thoughts 3-28-2010

2010-03-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

Warning: Pregnancy symptoms mentioned and slightly whiny.

- I wonder if anyone will notice if I wear the same two sweaters and yoga pants everyday for the next 3 weeks. I am not ready mentally for maternity clothes, but my stomach is poking out a little, and it is becoming uncomfortable.

- I think pregnancy has reverted my stomach back to when I was 12 years. I am eating foods I have not touched nor thought about in years. Pop tarts and chef boyardee are fantastic.

- I wonder if they need to do an ultrasound on my butt because I think I might be growing a triplet there. Baby's got some back, if you know what I mean. Maybe it is the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. Is it possible for PIO to cause new cellulite to appear. . . or maybe it is the pop tarts and chef boyardee? I think it is too soon to tell.

- I think I may have become the laziest person alive. All I do is sleep and eat. I can no longer clean the house or even read a book.

- I wonder if I will ever be able to cook again. Even making a grilled cheese sandwich turns my stomach. Now, you understand the chef boyardee and pop tarts.

- I have noticed that things that used to only mildly gross me out now make me full on gag. Speaking of, I have found hairs that were not mine in two restaurant meals within the last week. I wonder if they are always in food that I am eating, but pregnancy has given me x-ray vision to see them. Honestly, I don't want to know the answer to that, and will just say I have had some bad luck this week.

- I think I may need to go to rehab to ween myself off of PIO and estrogen patches. It scared the crap out of me when my doctor told me they would just take me off of them cold turkey in about a week or so. Does my body know how to do this without their help? I am not quite convinced.

- I wonder if my sister is going to ask me everyday of my pregnancy if I have any new cravings. I am having a hard enough time with food without having to constantly talk about it. Sorry.

- I never ever in my life thought I would say this, but I am tired of just eating and sleeping. I am hoping for just a bit more energy.

Hopefully, I will write more soon.

Scooby and Scrappy

2010-03-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone is doing well out in the Internet world. Yesterday we went in for another ultrasound. We saw TWO heartbeats yesterday. We have decided to call them Scooby (Twin A) and Scrappy(Twin B) for now. One it seems appropriate given the situation and also I used Scooby and Scrappy band aids for shots. Scooby is measuring about a day ahead (7w4d) and had a heartbeat of 159. On the other hand, Scrappy is measuring about 5 days behind and has a heartbeat of 113 (which I think is pretty good for 6w5d). So, it appears that Scrappy implanted a few days behind Scooby, which actually goes along with what I felt around implantation time. Both the ultrasound tech and doctor said that they see this more often in FETs, and that we should not be worried at all. Of course, the infertile in me is going to worry, but I am not as worried as I would have thought. I am feeling much better emotionally. Physically, I am not feeling the best, but that makes me happy and helps contribute to feeling better emotionally.

I am still having some computer issues, so I have not been able to post pics yet. However, I will try to figure something out soon.

Happily Worried

2010-03-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

I am having computer issues, so I am working from one our spare laptops. However, I wanted to give an update. We went in today for our first ultrasound. There was some good news and some unsure news. Both embryos implanted and had gestational sacs, yolk sacs, and fetal poles. They both measured on track. Twin A had a very strong heartbeat at 125. She could not confirm cardiac activity on Twin B. There was a flutter, but she could not tell if it was my heartbeat or the baby's. Also, she said that the position it was in made it more difficult to locate. It is possible to have a late implanter, I guess. I go back in next week to see how both of them are doing. I am not sure really how to feel. Totally excited about Twin A, but worried about Twin B. So, I guess I am happily worried?

Bring IT

2010-03-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

I have mentioned on this blog many times that I love love love acupuncture. I have become addicted and become convinced that it cures anything that ails me. Hang nail . . . Stacie, my acupuncturist, can fix that. Problems going to the bathroom. . . Stacie can make it happen. Headache today . . . Stacie will make it go away. Egg quality issues. . . Stacie is on top of it. Bruise on my arm. . . Stacie can even fix that too. I have a vague idea of how it all works, but honestly I primarily like the high I get after each session, and it seems to do the trick for any physical or emotional symptom I might have.

Last Thursday, I came in beaming to let Stacie know that after 10 months of working together on my fertility issues, we finally had success. I thanked her for all her help and advice. I told her I was having trouble sleeping, cramping a lot and feeling really bloated. After we went over some things I should expect, how we would schedule appointments moving forward, and different things she thought I should do, she started to do her needling. Soon, I was out like a light and felt like a new woman upon waking.

On Friday my constant cramping started to taper off, and I was sleeping through the night. By Sunday, I was having them just a few times during the day. The nervousness started to kick back in and before I knew it I was googling "cramps going away at 5 weeks." Even though my boobs continued to be sore intermittently and seemed to be getting larger by the minute, I was worried. The exhaustion during the afternoon was also not convincing me either. Then it hit me, Stacie along with some pelvic opening yoga poses she suggested had done their magic on my symptoms. Just like she helps my asthma and makes my digestion improve for a few days after a session, she helped relive my cramps and sleeping problems too.

Today, I went in again for another acupuncture session, and had to have a talk with Stacie. She can work on my asthma, my headaches, my anxiety, but please please do not take away my symptoms. Anything that shows me that I have a sweet little baby growing inside me is off limits. I want want want and NEED symptoms. As a matter of fact, I would gladly welcome more . A little nausea would make me the happiest person ever. I am also happy to report that the cramps are back. Bring IT!

Moving Along

2010-02-26T16:02:00.001-08:00

I have a longer post brewing, but just not ready to be published yet. However, I wanted to give an update. Beta #3 was this morning and was 3443. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the afternoon of 3/10. I am blissfully tired at the moment, and I have never been happier about it. I am still taking it one day at a time and think that will be my mode of operation for quite awhile.

I promise I will write more this weekend!!!! Thanks again for all your well wishes and encouragement! I think Greg finally understood this blogging thing more when he read all of your comments. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

1714

2010-02-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

First, thank you all for all your great comments about our news!!!!! The second beta was 1714 today. I am still working on wrapping my head around being pregnant. The fact that the numbers more than quadrupaled in 48hours is also a bit overwhelming. The cramping is giving me some physical signs and the numbers are pointing in that direction, but I am still just taking it one day at a time.

Thanks again to everyone! Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers to those cycling right now!!!

377

2010-02-22T19:53:00.001-08:00

Sorry to keep everyone waiting! My first BFP and my beta is 377. . . We are so excited and trying to take it all in:)! One day at a time! Today is a great day!

The Suspense Is Killing Me

2010-02-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

First, welcome to all ICLW visitors! My history is on my tool bar to the right. If you want , more information you can visit my post from January 21st of this year. Sorry, I haven't figured out how to do links on blogger. We did a 6 day frozen embryo transfer on 2/12 and I am currently awaiting results.

****
So, I wish I could complain about how incompetent it is that my nurse hasn't called with my beta results. However, she left a message (it is on my caller ID) at 11 AM this morning with the results. I promised Greg I would wait until he got home so that we could listen to the message together. I also made him promise to not come home late tonight. I also made him take the one and only pee stick I had in the house with him to work. I hope it doesn't fall out of his bag during a meeting:). I knew I had one from the days of POASing, and I did not want to get tempted. So the wait continues.

This morning, I woke up feeling 100% normal and convinced it did not work. I still don't know for sure, but have had a little more cramping this afternoon. The boob test will not work. First, progesterone could be a culprit. Also, I have big boobs (DDs) and big boobs hurt and get in the way all the time, in my opinion.

Trying to keep busy today. I worked on a huge organization project at the preschool this morning. Although I don't love organizing, I am pretty good at it. I blame this on my very structured teacher of a Mom. (I blame any annoying or boring trait I have on my parents. I hope someone blames me for all their problems one day too. I will not have done my job as a mother if they are not sitting on somebody's counch one day complaining about me.) That kept me busy for awhile. After I got done, I went for a drive up to the mountains and listened to some CDs my Dad made for me. I think it is sweet my Dad just made me a bunch of mixed CDs. For the most part, I like them. Now, I am home and I think I am going to try and take a nap before going to the grocery store.

I will update tonight!

New Perspective

2010-02-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

My beta is on Monday, so Greg and I are doing whatever we can to keep ourselves busy to take our mind off of things. Luckily, it is a gorgeous weekend here in Seattle. The picture of Mt. Rainer says it all. Nice days here make the rain worth it. So far, we have had coffee with friends this morning (decaf for me, of course), I went for a walk while Greg played tennis, we went to a place called Paseo that has the best Caribbean sandwiches for lunch and now we are getting ready to go to the UW/UCLA basketball game. It has been a good day and we have much to be thankful for.

While on my walk, I began to think of all the things that I have gained during this crazy journey to have a baby. I am tired of thinking about what I do not have. Therefore below is a list of everything infertility has brought me. Some are good and some are bad, but I think it is all worth while.

* More patience than I ever imagined I could have.
* Rediscovered writing and started this blog.
* Gotten more clarity on what I want to do with my life and started pursuing it.
* Cleaned out 3/4 of my husband's bachelor pad.
* Worked on a major lifetime budget plan.
* Discovered acupuncture. I think I may be addicted now. Please no interventions. I love my crack.
*Learned how well my husband and I do and do not communicate.
* Become less afraid of having a football in the form of a child coming out of my vagina. (Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered if there was a moment after women found out they were pregnant and the excitement had worn off that they all of the sudden had the thought, "Holy Shit! How am I going to get this thing out of me?"). If can endure all the shots, violating ultrasounds, crazy hormones and everyone under the son seeing up my whoo-ha, surely I can do that too. I just hope it recovers. For the record, my husband, is hoping for that too. Kegels, anyone?
* Learned of my friends who can handle the hard stuff and who can't.
* Sometimes it is does not matter how hard you try.
* Lamb is really good and easy to prepare. Plus it warms up my ute.
* More knowledge of the female reproductive system than I ever wanted or cared to know.
* How to explain the IVF process in less than 2 minutes flat.
* How to deal with ass hole advice and comments. Receiving ass hole advice has made me rethink giving it out myself in situations I do not understand.
* A wonderful church with a great community to raise our children in.
* At one point, I believed I just wanted to be a parent, and that adoption was a good back up plan. I do still feel like it is a good plan, just not a back up one. It now feels more like a next step.
*How to completely fall on my face month after month and still get back up for another punch.
* The knowledge that Greg and I can go through something difficult and still come out stronger and better.
* That pity coming from someone else is really their inability to know what to do or say. It is really more about them than me. This is another area I will rethink in how to deal with others in areas I do not truly understand.
* Concrete proof that I waited for the right man and best man to be the father of my children. He was definitely worth the wait. Therefore, I know this kid will be too.
* That pee sticks are evil assholes. I walked by some in the drugstore the other day and immediately sped up to get away from them. Just like the band, Kiss, I will to turn my head whenever I encounter them. (Yes, Kiss in their crazy make-up scares the shit out of me. Whenever, I am forced to look at them I have nightmare that evening of them chasing me. This has been an issues since I was about 6.) Pee sticks scare the hell out of me too.
* Getting pregnant the old fashioned way is not in the cards for me. I have accepted it, mourned it and moved forward with what I can do. It is not sexy or romantic, but how many people get knocked up just because it is "time"? Is it that much different? In a weird and strange way, I almost like this way better. I definitely feel like it is brought us closer. This is just my opinion.
* Strength, courage and perseverance are a virtue.

So far, waiting has not been totally horrible. I have had some cramping and twitching near my uterus (like an eye twitch) to ease my mind a little. However, I am not convinced that equals baby, it just makes me feel better. As I mentioned before I hate pee sticks. They have never given me the answer I have wanted on this journey, so I avoid them like the plague. Hopefully, Monday will be here soon !!!!!!

Signs on Valentines Day

2010-02-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I will quickly admit that I am a Match.com veteran. I feel like Internet dating is the new millennium's version of meeting someone at a bar. It is slightly embarrassing, but it works. Before I met Greg through Match, I had two serious relationships. One lasted 6 years and the other 4 years. After the second one ended, I decided to try Internet dating in 2003. I spent two years sifting through profiles, composing e-mails and going out on dates, while friend after friend was making wedding plans. I set a goal of one date a week and was able to accomplish it with an honest profile and pictures, so there were no surprises when I met someone in person. With Match, I finally got gotten my groove and it was the first time I dated several people at once. I am an introvert that works really really hard at being an extrovert. The Internet allowed me to show people who I am without the awkwardness of a first in person meeting. It was a fun time, but hard at the same time. The more I dated the more I got my heart broken and the more I had to break someone else's heart. Each date was the promise of something new that ended 99% of the time in one or the other scenarios previously mentioned.

However, after each date or relationship I picked myself up knowing there were more profiles to review and with a new promise. At the end of 2005, I met Greg the Monday before Christmas. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, we had been our several times, but had not formally decided to be exclusive. However, we were having a good time and it felt promising, but I had had "that feeling" before, so I was still a bit guarded. Espesically, when he asked me to do Valentine's on the 13th instead of the actual day because he had league tennis match on the actual night. My guarded mind thought it was a bit suspicious, but we had not had "the talk" yet, so I went along with it.

He made plans at a romantic Italian restaurant with the best handmade pasta. I gave him a small gift when we got there and he gave me a card. We had a great time and wonderful conversation. Not wanting the night to end, we decided to go back to his place for a drink. He asked me to come to his car first to get my present before we headed to his place nearby. It had started raining (seattle in winter = rain, idiot) and I had forgotten my hat, so I was worried that my hair was starting to frizz (very lame). So I was a bit distracted when he handed me a box of chocolates still in the red cellophane wrapping. I quickly kissed and thanked him and told him I would meet him at this place while running towards my car to get out of the rain. Once we got to his place he handed me the chocolates from the box in a Ziploc bag. Confused, I took it, but did not question it. I guess I was still worried about my hair (what an idiot). We had a drink and talked for awhile before we decided to end the evening for a few reasons. We had not had "the talk" yet and I had been clear about wanting to wait to give up the goods, plus it was a work night. The evening ended well.

The next morning as I was getting ready for work, I moved the box of chocolates and heard a rattling noise that did not seem right. My first thought was "oh s*#@ what did I miss?". I ripped off the wrapping and lifted the lid to the chocolate box. Inside I found all of my favorite things instead of chocolate. A box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (I love it!), a gift certificate to my favorite burger place, a gift certificate to Nordstrom, two different small stuffed animals and a box of tiny sweetarts! (I guess food is the way to my heart and bad junk food at that.). It was so thoughtful and sweet, and I had been such a tool the night before worrying about my hair that I did not open it even after he handed me the bag of chocolates from inside. I immediately called and left him a message apologizing for being such a tool and thanking him so much for the thoughtful gift!!! It was the first time that I realized that this guy was different and maybe I should let my guard down a bit. I am lucky that even 4 years later he is still that thoughtful!

Online dating taught me many lessons that I have been able to go back to through this fertility journey. It taught me about resilience and picking myself up after heartbreak. It showed me that it really does take just one even though it is annoying to hear. Even though I watched friend after friend pass me by, I can say with such confidence that the man I got was so worth the wait.

Yesterday afternoon I had a small breakdown that I was not feeling anything and convinced this cycle did not work. (I know it is still way too early for a breakdown.) Greg was great as usual about it and said some many sweet things that made me fall in love with him even more. I asked God for a sign, while Greg was talking me down. Later that afternoon, we went for a walk in the neighborhood after a heavy downpour cleared. As we approached the lake there was not one but two rainbows in the sky reflecting off the water (My crappy camera phone did not really get a good picture of the second one. You can barely see it in the above picture, but I swear it was there.). It sounds super cheesy, but it was true. God is trying to tell us something. I am hoping those rainbows just like the thought Valentine day gift were signs that God is taking care of me again and I need to let my guard down for it to come to me.

Quick Update

2010-02-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

We transferred two AB blasts on Friday afternoon. Things were quick and easy. I did acupuncture before and afterwards. Greg went to my favorite Greek restaurant to get take out that night, and has been waiting on me ever since. I have been laying around watching funny movies and episodes of the The Office all Saturday. Today we have a few more movies to watch and I am excited going to get up and around finally this afternoon.

I need to get out of my head a bit. I am paying attention to every little thing going on down there or not going on down there. I am trying not to think about it, but not being very successful. Anyone have any suggestions?

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! We are going to House of Hong in the International District to celebrate tonight. We are doing Valentine's Day tomorrow night, so I will do a Valentine's post tomorrow. However, I hope everyone else is having a great Valentine's with your significant other!!!

A Formal Invitation

2010-02-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

To: Our Child/ren
From: Your Parents
Date: February 12, 2010
Where: Your Place, Fertility Clinic
Time: 3:30 PM
Attire: Casual and Comfortable

Your parents would like to formally invite you to be part of our family. Below are the major highlights:

- We invite you to enjoy our lives together. We will teach you about true love, the joy of laughter, the warmth of a hug and the kindness of a word.

- We invite you to live with us. In our neighborhood there are two great playgrounds, an ice cream shop for warm summer days, coffee shop for cold winter days, a toy store, bakery, beach on the lake to meet your friends, restaurants for family dinners and much more to explore.

- We invite you to go on family vacations. Will visit Mom's family in Florida every summer. You will get to see your cousins Q and A to swim in the pool, play freeze tag in the yard, go to the water park and play miniature golf. We will also take trips with just our family to places all around the globe to learn about unfamiliar cultures.

- We invite you to family holidays. We get to celebrate two Easters one being Greek Easter with Dad's family. We will eat the best orzo pasta and lamb made by your very on YaiYai. At Christmas you can make cookies and gingerbread houses with Meemee and Gramp. Aunt W and Uncle M will be there to give you extra hugs and Thea A and M will be there to spoil you rotten.

-We invite you to hang out with our friends. They will teach you that there are some people out there that you love because you want to and not because you have to. From them, you will learn about community and what it means to be part of one.

- We invite you to explore your interests. We will help you to find your interests and talents and will do our best to support you 100%. Whether it is sports, music, plays or something else, we will be there cheer you on at every game, concert or performance.

- We invite you to learn about being healthy and active. We will teach you about exercise by taking walks and runs in the neighborhood, swimming in the pool or lake, hitting tennis balls and kicking soccer balls. To learn about healthy eating, we will got o farmers markets to learn about fresh fruits and vegetables and then come home to make tasty treats together.

- We invite you to exercise your mind as well as your body. We will take the library to get new books, and museums to learn about art and culture. We will help you to understand the importance of hard work in school and your job. We will help you to study for tests and push you to do your homework assignments. We will cheer the loudest when you land your first "real" job. We will take trips to see firsthand about the places you will study to learn about different cultures and people.

- We invite you to explore spirituality. We will take you to church, so that you can learn about God and his teachings and then make your own decisions. We help you to see the community of support, love and comfort that is believing in something that is much larger than just you and us.

- We invite you to learn about love. We will do our best, along with your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to teach you about love, so that when it comes time for you to choose the love of your life, you will will recognize love when you meet them.

- We invite you to learn about laughter. Nothing feels better than gut busting laughter and a smile on your face. It is even better when you see it on others sharing the moment with you.

- We invite you to make mistakes. To truly live life and learn, you will need to push boundaries at times, which may lead to mistakes. We invite you to learn when its is appropriate and we will do our best to allow you to learn. In return, there will be a day that you realize the mistakes we have made with you, and we hope you understand that we were learning too.

- We invite you to learn life's hard lessons. For example: You will get your heart broken, but we will teach you that it means you are one step closer to knowing real love. For every success you will have a failure. We will teach you that the trick to living a balanced life is having a bit of both. Life is hard and not always fair. We will teach you that more you put into it the more you will get out.

- Last and most importantly, we invite you to live happy, challenging, fulfilling life. As your parents, we will do everything possible to make it a good and beautiful experience.

We hope and pray that you will accept our invitation to be part of our family. To accept, the only thing you have to do is find a warm, safe and comfortable place inside Mom's tummy to grab on and enjoy a 9 months stay. We hope you grow and healthy and strong and at the end of 9 months you will get to meet us in person. We want you to know that we already love you and always will!!!!!!

Lost Focus

2010-02-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

My husband is geeky and I find it extremely sexy. I love that he buys gadgets, takes them apart to figure out how they work and puts them back together. I love that he can look up in the sky and find stars and constellations within a glance. I love that he studies things and bombards me with random facts. All I can say, is that I think it is sweet.

However, all the dorky cuteness comes with a price at times. He is extremely analytical and will analyze a decision to death before coming to a conclusion. In contrast, I make decisions swiftly and decisively, but sometimes do not get all the facts. Both approaches have their pros and cons, and we end up complimenting each other in the end. However, it can be a painful process to get there at times. For example, large purchases can take twice as long as normal. We have been discussing purchasing a freezer since late November. In December, I sent him a link from Sears with options within our price range and qualifications that I felt we should purchase. Since then, we have also looked at more freezers from Costco to Best Buy. It is now February and we still do not have a freezer. A lot of times we end up circling back to the original options I proposed, but on numerous occasions we have saved lots of money and gotten a better product due to his thorough research. It is completely cute, but sometimes I do not have the patience to look at every single angle to make a decision.

Last night we were faced with a decision and after a big breakdown on my part, I was happy that my husband would not go along with my instinctive decision making skills. It started when we returned home from dinner. We were set or so I thought to being our progesterone shots that night, which would be 6 days before our Thursday afternoon transfer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have not been as focused on the details of this cycle and much more laid back. Therefore, I did not read the paperwork and instructions they gave me before starting shots right away. As I pulled it out and we began reading, I saw that we were supposed to do the shot in the morning instead of the night like we did last time. Immediately, my stomach sank. My mind started racing trying to figure out how I could save the transfer day. I thought I could take the shot that night and call the clinic in the morning to see what to do next. (I was thinking it was similar to BCPs. If one is missed, it is taken as soon as it is remember and pick back up the next day.) Greg would not go along with it and insisted that we look at all our options and call the clinic to see what to do next. I did not want to bug a doctor on a Saturday night over my stupid mistake. He persisted that we do something different.

I broke down, like stupid, ugly crying broke down. I had been about thinking this cycle too long. The logistics were worked out. Greg had time off, and I rearranged my work schedule. Acupuncture and massage appointments were booked. I had been waiting for almost 3 months. I had timed it so that the transfer would occur on our 2-1/2 year anniversary down to the hour. It was cosmic and meant to be in my heard. I am just tired. I am tired of worrying, thinking and trying so hard to have a baby. I am sick of pregnant bellies in my face, friends complaining about their children and the Circle of Moms on Facebook. I do not even know what the Circle of Moms is on Facebook. I just know I want my freaking invitation, and I am tired of waiting, wishing and praying for my turn with no success. It all hit me at once. Greg just held me tight and let me cry.

Once I had calmed down, he convinced me to call the on call doctor at the clinic. I was surprised when one of the doctor's answered directly. After apologizing profusely for calling late on a Saturday night, I told her the situation. She explained the timing of the shot and the transfer, and said we had no other choice but to reschedule the transfer. She advised me to call the clinic first thing in the morning to find out our options. She was great and told me she was glad I called because the most important thing is to get me pregnant. I was disappointed, but the doctor put it into a better perspective for me.

This morning I called the clinic as instructed and talked to one of the nurses. She was able to schedule the transfer for 3:30 on Friday the 12th. The timing actually works better for our work schedules. The bad news is that Dr. NiceGuy is going out of town for a week and will not be able to do it. I am bummed because he has been so great, but more importantly I need to do this and move forward. In the end, it is just one day. The whole situations reminded me that there is much more work to do and I cannot loose my focus. Someday, someway, somehow this will all be worth it. Thank you Greg for being so damn analytical:). Without his persistence to look at it a different way, we could have completely messed up the entire cycle.

Really?

2010-02-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

My clinic needs to rethink their magazine selection. Today it was Martha Stewart's Easy Comfort Food to feed one's face while hopped up on hormones. Or better yet, how to make great mac and cheese to ease the pain after your next BFN. A month or so ago, it was some kind of Us or People talking about celebrity pregnancies in 2009. Really. . . at a fertility clinic?

Anyhoo, I went in today to check my lining. We are good to go. My lining was 10.7, and is ready. We are set to do the transfer next Thursday, 2/11 at 2PM. My plan is to get a massage that morning, then do accupuncture before and after the transfer. I am excited and scared at the same time. Excited about the possibilty and scared to death that I will get my heart broken again.

The Difference

2010-02-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

It feels different this time. It feels less like a big deal and more of a way of life. I have come to accept that trying to have a baby is more of what I am up to lately rather than a monumental experience. Just like I get my oil changed every 3 to 5 thousand miles, brush my teeth upon waking and again before sleeping, I now have a calendar of doctor's appointments, Day 3 blood draws, and dates with an ultrasound wand.

The process is so routine to me that I forget that everyone does not know what I mean when I say my E2 was 38 on Day 3 or that we will be doing a frozen transfer in about a week or so. I no longer get anxious about having to take various hormones or what my blood test results will be becauseI know how my body will react and what my normal results are. I am not nervous to start progesterone shots in a few days because I know they are not too bad and Greg knows what to do. It sucks that it has become so routine, but that is just the way it is.

However, there are a few differences this time compared to our last IVF attempt. Since we already have to precious embryos waiting for us at the clinic, I am not taking tons of shots to convince my ovaries to make as many follicles as possible. As a result, I am a lot more comfortable and I am able to workout with no worries. Physcially, it is so much easier this time. So much easier that sometimes I forget to take my medicine and have to send myself reminders.

Another difference would be that I feel like I am being much easier on myself this time around. I am working out more, eating healthier, meditating here and there and filling my time easier. I am not focused so much on doing things perfectly, instead doing what I need to do to get it done.

However, the biggest difference would be that I am keenly aware it may not work. We could fall against the odds again. If we follow our normal routine, it could end in a big fat negative. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that someday, someway, somehow we will have a baby. I believe it will happen. However, I do not know if it will be this time or next time or the time after that. It is not that I am being pessimistic about this cycle. Believe me; nothing would make me happier than to deviate from our routine in just this one area. I just know that I do not get a choice in the matter. Therefore, my only option is to prepare for both outcomes and have faith that it will happen in its own time.

I go in tomorrow for my first check since my baseline two weeks ago. The estrogen patches have not been too bad. I have seen a lot of cervical fluid the last week and half and a monster headache this morning, so I feel like something is going on down there. Tomorrow I will find out exactly where we are and hopefully be ready to start progesterone. I will report back tomorrow what I find out.

Highlights of My Day 1-26-2010

2010-01-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

- I found sweatpants at Costco today that are in short sizes. I hate spending money to get sweatpants hemmed, so I am stoked to find some that fit like a glove when I put them on.

- I cleaned out my closet and took 4 bags of clothes to Goodwill.

- I had success dealing with the insurance company.

- I went for a great walk in the neighborhood that ended at the pier on the lake at dusk. It was beautiful to see the moon reflect off the smooth water with the hills and the mountains in the background. Although I could hear rush hour on the floating bridge in the distance, it was so calm and peaceful.

- Greg coming home and giving me a big hug and kiss.

We Have a Problem

2010-01-23T17:43:00.001-08:00

Hello, name is Megan and I am infertile. When we first starting seeing an RE almost a year ago,
I did not truly believe that we had a problem. Once they confirmed through various tests that "nothing was wrong", I was even more convinced that we could do this on our own. We just needed a little help from the doctors to make this happen sooner rather than later. I was in complete denial. Now, I have a totally different perspective.

After watching my follicles stop growing last summer on the ultrasound screen during a monitored IUI cycle, things began to shift. After 3 unsuccessful injectable IUI cycles and IVF began to become an option, the truth started to become clearer. We needed help and this was going to be hard. It was a difficult time, and I began to scour the interenet to learn as much as I could about the process. I read blog after blog after blog. As I read them I was encouraged by the success stories and determination of the women still in the battle. It made me feel better to know that there were other people out there admitting their problem and fighting it together.

On Friday, I went for a walk with a very good friend who knows about our fertility issues. Although she has no desire to have a child of her own, she ahs been there to lisetn and support me. After the first IVF ended in a BFN, I felt some distance between us. I knew she felt awkward and did not know what to say. I realized that it was more about her than me and forgave her. Lately, I have made an effort to see her so that she knows I am OK and will be OK. It sucks that I have to make that effort, but that is a whole different post. As we were talking, the conversation turned to my infertility and our plans. She interupted me as we were talking to tell me to stop calling myself infertile that we do not have an official diagnosis (which we do) and I am not infertile. She told me I was not being positive by calling myself infertile. I was kind of taken by suprise. I felt that she was denying of what I am. After months of denying it, I was now admitting it and upset that someone did not see the fight I had before me.

I understand that my friend was trying to be helpful and keep my spirits high. However, to tell me that I am not being positive by admitting my problem felt like it was placing the blame on my attitude instead of our biology. I felt she truly did not understand what I am up against. I have had a good attitude because after each unsuccessful cycle I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and charged ahead into the next cycle. I am in the thick of the fight. I knew I had to explain this too her somehow.

After listening to her for a bit, I told her that just because I am infertile now does not mean I will be forever. However, the facts are the facts. We have been trying for 18 months to have a baby without success. We have sought the help of medical professionals with a good track record for 11 months. Even though my official diagnosis is unexplained, it does not change the fact that I am infertile and I have a long hard fight ahead of me that I have every intention of fighting until the end. I think she was suprised to find me so bothered by her comment. She took it well and told me she would be there to cheer us on. I am not mad at her. I get that she does not get it. However, I am currently in the trenches of this and I am doing everything I can to fight this. I know that this will have the outcome I am hoping for some way, someday, somehow. However, I am past the first step, which admitting I have a problem. Hello, my name is Megan and I am infertile.

Welcome!

2010-01-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome IcomLeaveWe Visitors! To warn you this is my first time participating. I will take this
opportunity to update you on our TTC history. If you want the quick and dirty version it is on the sidebar on the right. Right before Greg and I were married we came up with a brilliant plan. Shortly after the wedding, I would quit my job, so that we could travel the world, and I would manage renovations to our house. In the middle of traveling, we would start working to expand our family, so by the end of the year I would be pregnant.

At first our plan worked wonderfully, we traveled through Asia, Africa, Europe and North America. We saw fireworks in China, leopards in Botswana, vineyards in France and orca whales in Canada. We transformed my husband's bachelor pad into a liveable pad by totally renovating the top floor of our house. Everything worked fantastically, up until the trying to have a baby part.

After we returned from Africa and the malaria drugs were out of my system, we began working to expand our family. When things did not happen after six months, I decided to got see my ob-gyn to get some prelimenary testing. Everthing looked great, but because I was 35 she went ahead and referred us to the RE upstairs. From there we did an HSG on me and a semen analysis on Greg, and still everything looked good. Knowing the clock was ticking, we decided to be aggressive and began IUIs with femera. Due to slightly irregular cycles (anywhere from 27-37 days), we decided to start monitored IUIs after two unsuccessful attempts. The first month we missed ovulation on Day 11. The second attempt, my largest follicle only got to 14.9 mm. We then began IUIs with injectables. After three unsuccessful attempts, we decided to go for the big guns and I finally admitted that we had a problem. We began our IVF cycle last Fall ending with a BFN in November. We cycled so well with 17 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized and 2 beautiful excellent grade 5 day blastocysts transfered with 2 more left to freeze. We were devastated!

However, we picked ourselves up by our bootstraps by taking off for Hawaii right before the holidays and then surrounding ourselves with family and friends for Christmas and New Years. We had a great time getting rejuvenated and not thinking about fertility treatments. (Proof that even if you "just relax" you will not get pregant.) Now, we are back at it. We are in the middle of a Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle. I went in this morning for my bloodwork and baseline ultrasound. My lining looked thin. I am waiting to hear about my E2 level and whether or not I should start my estrogen patches tonight. We are moving on and moving foward.

While doctor's appointments fill up a great deal of my time, I also work at two different preschools with at risk children in therapeutic enviroments, while taking a few classes. I am hoping to go back to graduate school in Child and Family Therapy. The timing is a bit up in the air with the fertility situation. However, I am loving my time working with these special children. While it can be challenging given our current situation, I find that they also heal my broken heart too. They remind me everyday that all this work trying to have a baby will be worth it one day, and everyone has their challenges. Infertility just happens to be ours.

Save the Date

2010-01-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

Save the Date

To: Our Child/ren
From: Your Parents
What: Transfer to your temporary home inside Mom's Uterus
When: Week of February 8, 2010 - Date to be confirmed 6 days before transfer
Where: Your Place at the Fertility Clinic
Time: TBD
Attire: Casual and Cozy

Formal Invitation to Follow

Show and Tell - Flowers from the Market

2010-01-13T17:50:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite places in Seattle is Pike Place Market. Every time I cross the cobblestone street towards the bright red famous sign, I feel a sense of excitement. As I walk through the main opening past the pig, I always pause to see if the fish market in front of me has a customer. If there is one, I know the show will begin shortly. The famous show where the workers call to one another in some language that I don't know or understand, and then a fish flys through the air. Once I have seen it, I continue my journey west towards beautiful fresh flowers, more fish stalls, stands of fruits and vegetables in every vibrant color of the rainbow, and then out the side door back out in the rain. I cross the next cobblestone street to my favorite hidden eatery for a small bowl of chowder to warm me up from the cold rain. After a hearty warm bite to eat, I continue my stroll. Briefly, I stop in front of Beechers to watch through the window as they make the most delicious tangy cheese I have ever had. I consider cheese a food group, so my word is good in this area. Beechers cheese is not to be missed. From Beechers I can hear the acapela quartet outside of the original Starbucks starting up another song for a small crowd. I wander down just in time to hear their rendition of "This Little Light of Mine". I decide to finish the day by grabbing a pumpkin vanilla frosted cookie from the bakery a few doors down. While I have just scratched the surface of all that can be experienced at this wonderful place, I hope to give a glimpse at what one of my favorite activities in Seattle would be.

To find out what other people are showing visit Mel's at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/.

Stupid Chicken Pox

2010-01-10T21:00:00.000-08:00

I never had the chicken pox! Yes, it is true. I am 36 years old and I have never had the chicken pox. Despite the following facts: I personally was in day care until the age of 6, my sister had the chicken pox twice (the second time we shared a bed), I worked in a day care in college and I currently work in a preschool for at risk children, I have never ever had the chicken pox.

Up until September, I assumed that I had a mild undetectable case somewhere along the way because I have been exposed a million zillion times. However, before starting IVF last Fall, I gave blood to test for various communicable diseases, as all women undergoing the procedure must do. One of those test was to see if I had the immunity to the chicken pox. Turns out, I didn't have the immunity to it proving that I in fact never had the chicken pox.

Evidently, it is dangerous to get the chicken pox while you are pregnant to both the mother and child. Therefore, it was important for me to get at least the first part of the 2 part vaccine 30 days prior to the embryo transfer (they want to make sure you have enough time to react). As a result I scrambled around, to find a place to give me the vaccine since my regular doctor was giving me the run around.

Friday, I did the same stupid run around to get the second part of the vaccine 30 days before my transfer, which will hopefully be sometime between February 9-11th. Why did I have to scramble again? I had to scramble again because I am a big fat procrastinator as usual. Unfortunately, I am the 1 and 5 people who gets a reaction from it. The reaction is a huge welt with a knot in the middle that is warm to the touch. If it is like last time, it will soon turn into a bruise. I have gotten it both times. It is not that big of a deal, but it is highly annoying! The best part is that I never ever have to do it again.

Mom Strikes Again

2010-01-07T21:09:00.001-08:00

After yoga and a delightful dinner in front of the TV, I fire up the laptop and hit Facebook to see what has happened in the world since I left it this morning. Among the pictures, NY Times links and other ramblings I notice that many women are posting a color in their status. I first consult Google to find out what is going on and then I also notice that I have an e-mail in my FB inbox giving me the details. Basically, women are listing what color bra they have on to raise awareness for breast cancer.

I go back to my cyberstalking as I ponder whether or not I want to participate. Then I see it . . . MY MOM announcing to the world what color bra she is wearing. I get it is a good cause. I get that "everyone else is doing it". I get that I should be proud of her for being socially conscious. I get that it isn't that big of a deal. Regardless, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Now I need to go warn my husband to skip over her post. I hope my old roommate, friend from high school, third grade teacher and former soccer teammate skip it too! I love my Mom and I am proud of her, but ugh.

Holiday Recap

2010-01-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

I am alive, I promise. I have been reading more than I have been writing lately, but I am ready to get back at it. I am currently recovering from traveling to 6 states within 15 days.

We started off our holidays travels with a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. We swam in the ocean, relaxed by the pool, walked nature trails, and visited volcanoes. We left paradise on the 22nd returning briefly to Seattle to regroup and pack for Portland. Then we took the train on Christmas Eve to visit Greg's family on Christmas Eve. We ate delicous Greek food and played a super fun game of bingo for the family gift exchange. After opening presents and eating more food we returned to Seattle Christmas night to once again to regroup and pack. We flew into Atlanta the evening of the 26th and spent the night with my Aunt and Uncle. We visited with them and had great sausage biscut breakfast before heading east on I-20 to South Carolina to see my parents and sister's family. There we relaxed watching movies, playing games with my nephews, eating lots of fooding and strolling the park. After 4 or 5 days of family fun, we packed up the rental car for the 4 hour drive to Chattanooga, Tennesse to visit my best friend and her family. We went to dinner and to a concert to ring in the new year. This is where the crazy part came in. Not because of the cocktails had, because I am on the wagon these days, but the lack of sleep After getting in around 1:30 in the morning, we turned around and woke up at 4:30 AM to catch a 10 AM flight in Atlanta back to Seattle. To sup it up: Hawaii FANTASTIC, Oregon FUN, Georgia NICE, South Carolina RELAXING and Tennesse SHORT. We love traveling and we had blast on all of our trips, but my body promptly reminded me that I am not 21 anymore by getting jet lag and a cold upon returning. The good news is, that they have both already passed. This past holiday was a good one! All of our trips were fun, no one got on our nerves, and most importantly we were able to relax.

Although I had fun the last few weeks, AF arrived while I was in South Carolina proving the theory that if I "just relax I will get pregnant" is a bad one. I was not disappointed, but excited to get started on our FET cycle. More details to come, but in the mean time Happy New Year!

Busy

2009-12-16T23:13:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty hectic the last few weeks. Since we have been a slave to the fertility schedule for the last 10 months and have not been able to take many trips, we immediately began forming plans. After we had our WTF appointment, we had a better idea of what our holidays would look like. Then Greg looked at his work schedule to see what would fit. We worked through many different scenarios, and settled on one that has us going from one end of the country to the other over the next several weeks. We will start our travels in Hawaii followed by trips to both respective families on the west coast and east coast. Plus, we will also get some time around the house to work on some projects. I am super excited about seeing family and friends, but also getting some rest and relaxation at the beach. Warm weather and the holidays seem like a weird combination, but I can work though that easily.

Somehow, I have been able to get all of the holiday decorating, gift buying, present wrapping and mailing and card sending done in a matter of about a week. I have also worked on a huge organization project around the house that I completed tonight, and gotten us ready for our 3 trips. I have managed to get more done in the last week than I have all year. It feels good to be busy and it is making things go faster. Soon it will be 2010! I am ready for 2009 to be in the past.

Frozen Versus Fresh

2009-12-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

After a series of clunkers throughout high school and college, I bought my first new car shortly after moving to Seattle. I felt settled in my first real job, and thought it was time to make a big purchase. I traded in the feeling hope that the car would crank and the hassle of public transportation, for a 1999 Saturn SL1. The day I made the last payment, I celebrated my accomplishment with friends. It was not the prettiest car, or the fanciest car, but it got me where I needed to go when I needed to get there and I loved it. After about 9 years of car ownership, I began to brag about what a good practical car I had. Then it happened. . I started having problems with it. It started one spring morning on my way to work. My trusted car almost conked out on me during rush hour traffic on a major highway. I luckily made it off an exit and to a gas station. At this point Greg and I were married and I had a better job with more money, so we decided it was time for a new one. I remember the day we traded it in for a prettier, fancier and more sensible car the salesman looked at me and said, “I am sure you are really excited to get rid of this thing.” I was not and I wanted to punch him when he said that to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the butt warmers in my current car, but I loved my Saturn and the achievement, security and independence it represented.

I want to say out loud that I am proud of how my body has braved the last 10 months. After almost 3 weeks being hormone free, I am feeling pretty good. I amazed at how much energy I have and how good I feel. I am hoping that I am not jinxing my body like I did my car when I bragged about how good it has been to me because I am going to need it to help me through for a bit longer.

Greg and I have spent some time discussing frozen (FET Frozen Embryo Transfer) versus fresh. Two of our embryos made it freeze on the 6th day. We asked Dr. NiceGuy his opinion on frozen vs. fresh, hoping that he would just tell us what to do. We told him our dilemma and he understood and he said he would support us either way, but ultimately the decision was ours.

This is the dilemma: I am 36, and if best case scenario the frozen cycle ends in a singleton pregnancy, I will be pushing 38 trying to have a second child. Fertility starts to take another nose dive around then. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I have always imagined at least two children. Maybe because I am the second child, I feel pretty strongly about it. We have very good reasons for wanting two. The main one being that Greg is an only child, and there will be no other children this child’s age on his side of the family. Secondly, I do have two wonderful nephews that are 6 and 4, but they live 3,000 miles away. We will be older parents, and will not be around forever. We want to make sure that this child has a support system. Lastly, I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have a sibling. I lean on Ninny (my sister) so much and I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have her support. She gets me like no one else does because we literally came from the same place. We were hoping that the frozen would be for a sibling. I know we are jumping ahead of ourselves and should concentrate on one at a time, but I feel strongly about having two children.

Ultimately, we decided to move forward with a FET in late January early February. We came to this conclusion for many reasons. First, who knows how the FET will turn out. We could be heading for another fresh anyway. Secondly, my body needs a break. Now, that I have come out of my hormone cloud I truly realize what I have put myself through. While I will still have to do Lupron, estrogen patches and PIO, we will not be stimulating my ovaries and doing a minor surgical procedure. I think it will be much easier on me, and hopefully making a better environment. Thirdly, we have a great group of friends with kids that they will be close in age to our child. I know Ninny and I will work hard to make sure that the cousins not only know each other, but they are there for each other. Who knows what technology will be like in the future for them to be able to communicate regularly and be a support system from long distance. I know e-mail, FB, skype and texting have made it so easy for me to be away from my family, imagine what will be possible for them. Also, Greg and I are healthy and this will give us even more incentive to stay that way. Lastly, who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe the next one will not be as hard as I think or maybe we will adopt the second. I am pushing this too hard to fit in a pretty little box. I need to back off, and let things happen as they should. As I have learned the hard way I cannot control this and the more I try the more pressure I am putting on myself. That cannot be helping things. So basically, the decision is keep moving forward, but to let things happen as they will.

In the meantime, I am going to work on the one thing I can control. I am going to be as good as I can to my body, so that it will be good to me and hopefully a visitor in the near future.

TMI ALERT!

2009-12-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

Celebration!!!! I love potty humor!! Every time anyone mentions the word fart, I immediately transform until an 8 year old boy laughing hysterically. Besides an occasional smell that has gone too far or too often, there is nothing funnier in my book. It goes behind flatulence. I love watching Dr. Oz and Oprah discussing appropriate poop. It is just funny they are on TV talking about s*&. I religiously check each BM to make sure it is the size and consistency (by look only!) that it should be. If it is not, I immediately report it first thing to my acupuncturist to help things along. I also report my progress on the BM front to Greg and friends whenever I see them. It always comes up in some form or fashion. Most people know that at a certain time every morning, I am in the bathroom like clockwork and if not then something is wrong. Surprisingly, I do still have friends. Evidently, pretty good ones since they put up and go along with my constant updates on how things are progressing. Luckily, Greg finds this trait endearing.

When I started the IVF cycle, I thought the worst part was going to be the stims, the shots, the constant juggling of schedules and the minor surgery. However, that was not the worst part. The worst part as imagined was that it came out with a BFN! My parting gift for receiving a BFN was the worst period of my life including cramps that required leftover vicodin and SEVERE uncomfortable constipation. That is right I have been living off of fiber rich foods and Fiber One bars for two weeks. Luckily, Costco sells Fiber One bars in bulk. After things got moving a long for a while with some help, I decided to back off and let things take their course. This would be why I am celebrating today. That’s right; I had my first bowel movement without help in two weeks!!! WooHooo!!!! It is the little things in life that get me by. I apologize for the TMI, but had to brag! I warned you!

WTF? Still Don't Have a Clue.

2009-12-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we met with Dr. NiceGuy for our WTF appointment. I have learned many things about the fertility clinic since becoming a patient there 10 months ago. Examples would be the following: blood drawn before 12 gets results back the same day, the front desk receptionist likes grande mocha in the morning, the majority of the medical assistants are clueless and I just have to keep pressing them to get what I want and the lab and the clinic bill separately. However, the most important thing I have learned is that IVF means you get face time with the doctor, and when IVF does not work you get to spend an hour and half with the doctor telling you how sorry he is. I felt like we were pushing him out the door instead of the reverse.

Overall, the appointment went well. His basic thought was that I stimmed well, the retrieval went well, the fertilization went well and the transfer went well. He thought my eggs looked good, uterine lining looked good and Greg’s sperm was good. (then WTF?) The only slightly abnormal thing was that from Day 3 to Day 5 typically about 50% of the embryos survive. We had 36% of our embryos survive. Although this was lower than expected, he felt that the 4 embryos we had looked very good. He felt that the thing we learned from this is that we can do this. He felt like it is a matter of time for us and we should try again.

In many ways it feels good to hear that there is no reason why this cannot work, if we just keep trying. Hopefully the numbers will fall in our favor at some point. In other ways, we wish we knew what we were up against, so that we could face our challenges and make decisions accordingly. Then we remember that this way there is hope that with time, patience and a crapload of money this will work at some point.

So, what is next? Since it has been 10 months since I had my HsG, he wants to do a Saline Infusion Sonogram to check my uterus out again. We have to decide if we want to do another fresh or frozen cycle. (I will write more on this later.) There are pros and cons for both. Depending on what we decide I may go on BCPs (birth control pills) with my next period or wait until my January cycle to continue. Regardless, I am excited to have a break from medicine regimes, appointment scheduling, ovulation tracking and reproductive researching. I am hoping to actually write a few blog posts that do not involve what is going on in lower half of my body. I am excited to have a few drinks, eat some raw fish, enjoy the holidays and look forward to a new year!

Thanks

2009-11-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

While I am a bit late on the Thanksgiving post, we are still in the season of thanks and giving so I am still going to tell the world why I am thankful. Below are my highlights:

Thanksgiving holiday – I always love Thanksgiving! It is time to come together with family and friends to share stories, eat a delicious meal and reconnect. Instead of being about presents and materialistic things, it is about being thankful and enjoying the day with people. (Luckily, we have family that is without drama for the most part, so it is enjoyable.) This year I am even more thankful for Thanksgiving for a completely different reason. This year it turned my focus from what I didn’t have to what I do. Instead of thinking about the baby that I don’t have, I could focus my attention on what I do have. The timing could not have been better.

Body - I want to officially thank my body for putting up with my shenanigans and moving forward like a trooper. Over the years, I have fed it horrible food, put it through the ringer in marathons and half marathons, and I will not even mention the abuse it endured in my twenties. Over the years, I have worked to be kinder in these regards, but still have my moments. This year alone, I have pumped it full of hormones, poked and prodded it repeatedly, yet it still shows up and does what it is supposed to do. It heals; it recovers and sticks with me.

Insurance – I am truly lucky to have insurance that has covered all our fertility expenses thus far.

Support Network - Many family and friends have been so supportive and wonderful during this hard time. I know it can be awkward when a friend or family member faces a disappointment, but many have stepped up and been there to listen and simply say they are sorry.

Husband - I do not know what I would do without Greg. Sometimes it is scary to be so dependent on someone, but he makes it so easy. He has listened to me cry, complain, and does what he can to help despite his own disappointment. He helps me to plan what is next. He encourages me to press on and heal. He can drive me crazy at times and I can do the same to him, but I know he is there and always will be. I am truly thankful to be married to such a good man.

Tomorrow we will have our WTF appointment. Looking forward to hearing what Dr. Nice Guy thinks happened. I will update after we have more information

Below Average Athlete

2009-11-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

Many people have heard me say that I am a below average athlete just trying to be average. I love working out and pushing my body. I love being outside especially on a cold, rainy windy Seattle day exercising. It makes me feel like I did something for myself and I didn’t let the weather or anything else stop me. I have decided that I really don’t like gyms, but like being outside to workout. It brings me back to glorious days of spending all day outside running, biking, swimming, kicking or throwing a ball and hanging out with my friends as a child. However, I do face many challenges as an athlete. Remember I said I am a BELOW average one. My challenges are as follows:

Horrible genes: Both of my parents are not athletic in the least bit, and would be the first to admit it. My mother has no coordination. She has sprained her ankle several times, broken wrists and even managed to break both of her feet at the same time. My father has the nickname Jet because while playing softball with his friends in college, he hit a homerun yet only made it to second base. He has no speed whatsoever. My dilemma is clear here. The only things I have going for me are endurance, strength and a desire to keep doing it.

Lungs: I was born 7 weeks premature 36 years ago. Lungs are one of the last things to develop. Also, I grew up with two smokers. In this day and age, it is amazing to think that parents would smoke with the windows rolled up in the car with their children as passengers. (Especially my parents, who love both my sister and I to pieces and would never intentionally hurt us.) Common sense would say that is a bad idea, but this was 30 years ago and things were different. Admittedly, my parents did not have the best role models with this. Three out of four of my grandparents also smoked, and did the same things to them. To prove that smoking is bad for you, the three smoking grandparents died much sooner than the one that did not. The good news is that neither of my parents smoke now. I don’t hold it against them, as I have said before s*#t happens.

The Twins: Yes, I have rather large breasts. . . DD. I have to be really careful with those things or I might poke an eye out. Exercising with large boobs can hurt. It is not comfortable, but after many years of trial and error I have learned that the right sports bra or bras can make all the difference. I don’t just wear one, but two. The bottom layer bra provides the most support. I usually go to the running store and ask them for the biggest, most supportive and best bra they have. Then I put a regular sports bra over that usually from Target. I MUST have two sports bras!!!! When I see other large breasted women running with them flying all around about to knock them out, I want yell out, “I don’t know you but you really need two maybe three sports bras, and for god sakes do not wear just a plain old bra to run. It does not work; you are going to injure yourself or someone else." That is my advice from a Below Average Athlete.

While I face these challenges, I still do it because I love the endorphins and it is my version of Prozac. Just like a crack head, I am addicted to the high that accompanies working out. It makes me feel good and eases my nerves.

After a month and half of concentrating on IVF and not being able to work out, I got out for the first time yesterday to run. I only ran 2 miles, but it was worth it! Immediately, I was aware of my challenges again. I started very slow and my lungs burned as I took in the crisp air. I could feel the tightness around my chest as my bras held me in place and my lungs worked hard. I relied on my strength and endurance to get past the burn and keep going. As I ran along the lake, it lightly misted and the cold air made me feel alive again. I wasn’t worried about ovarian torsion, raising my body temperature or whether or not I would catch a cold from running in the rain. I wasn’t thinking about the number of follicles, the quality of the embryos or the reason why it didn’t work. All I was thinking about was pushing through and using my body to make me feel good again.

It turns out that I am not only a Below Average Athlete, but also a Below Average Procreator. I am not totally aware of my challenges, so it makes them harder to overcome. However, I know I have the endurance and strength to get through them and keep pushing forward. Hopefully, after consulting with the doctors, we will learn more and try again. But not before we take a break for me to get my body back and heal emotionally. GHuman and I have spent the weekend talking, planning and supporting each other. It has been a hard weekend, but I am thankful for having the best husband in the world by my side

BFN

2009-11-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

Big Fat Negative! Negative and Oprah quits! That sucks! Sucky day! I know I said I wouldn't post today, but I lied. I will write more over the weekend. I have already set up our What the F*#k Happened appoinment to figure out what is next. I am sad, but at least I know how to do this part. More to come later. Thanks for reading.

Test Day Tomorow

2009-11-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

In my lifetime I have taken hundreds of tests, ran or walked marathons and half marathons and had several important deadlines that I have had to meet. All of them, I worked hard and sometimes months to prepare. Some were successful and some not. Usually, if they were not I could usually find the reason why I wasn’t successful. Tomorrow will be another test. The first blood test I have ever taken to test for pregnancy. Like all new experiences and pressure deadlines, I am nervous about it. However, I can say with confidence that I have done absolutely everything I can do to make this successful. We have administered the drugs according to the protocol. We have gone to doctors appointments as instructed. I have seen massage therapist, psychologists, and acupuncturists. My reproductive system shutdown and started back up beautifully for stimulation to go well. The egg retrieval and embryo transfer went as planned. I have prayed, meditated, listened to inspirational fertility cds, and done yoga specific for my fertility. I have read a million infertility blogs (I need an intervention!!!). Greg and I have grown stronger, learned more about each other and perfected our arguing technique to prepare for a child. Greg has prepared budgets and made plans to make sure our child will have a roof over its head and an education. My family members have helped to distract me and love me through this. My friends have supported me the better than I could have asked. In other words, we all have worked hard, and now we see the results of the preparation.

Tomorrow will be our first Beta or blood test. Again it will be about the numbers. If I am pregnant, there will be a number to indicate the amount of HcG hormone in my system. If it is good, then I will take another blood test two days later. If it doubles, it confirms the pregnancy. We would then take a third beta two days after that. If doubles again, they will schedule an ultrasound a week later with the RE. If all goes well with all of those, we would then graduate to a regular OB/GYN. If it all continues to go well, there will be more waiting and testing of our patience, but I am willing to do it. If not, we will begin to discuss our next steps.

I and we have done all we can do, and I am prepared for either outcome. At this point it is out of our hands, and what will be will be. If I want to get religious about it on you, it is in God’s hands. (I guess I just did.) Greg and I will be waiting until he gets home from work to listen to the results message together from the RE’s office. So there will probably not be a post tomorrow with results. Reality is that some of you will find out by reading it. I hate that, but I accepted when I decided to blog and invite you to read that it might be that way. If it is good news we can all celebrate for the moment that we got through that test, if it is bad news I ask that you give us a few days. However, we will want to hear from you. We all know the right thing to do and say if it goes well. Call, e-mail or whatever you want to do. However, some helpful hints for reactions if it doesn’t are the following: “MFer! What the hell happened!, That sucks! , What is next?”. We might need a day or two, but we will want to hear from you. E-mail would probably be best in that case. Even though, I am hoping for the best but you can’t blame for preparing for the worst too because frankly right now, I just don’t know. Again, I ask for prayers and good vibes.

Ute Cam

2009-11-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

About 10 years ago, my Mother called me to tell me that my second cousin’s wife had just had a baby girl. I responded with I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She said weird thing is neither did she nor did my cousin’s wife. Yes, it was one of those freaky stories you hear about where a woman does not even know she is pregnant and goes to the emergency room with severe stomach pains and pops out a kid. Now, I have plenty of redneck family members who couldn’t find their way out of the trailer park to find a job, but could somehow end up pregnant. I also have many friends from high school that I am just waiting for a baby announcement on Facebook where they didn’t know they were knocked up. However, this woman is smart educated person who had already delivered 2 babies. I guess all I can say is that s*&t happens to the best of us, and I can’t explain it.

Which leads me to answer some questions some of you may be wondering about me, for example: How are you feeling? Are having any “symptoms”? I feel good. How about you? Physically, I have never felt better. I am really excited to not be sitting around the house and getting back into my normal routine. No, I am not having any “symptoms” yet and if I were I would probably ignore them for several reasons. First, I have had “symptoms” before and no baby. Two, I am hopped up on so many hormones right now that cause the same exact “symptoms” that there is no way to tell the difference. We are down to 1 progesterone in oil (PIO) shot a day and estrogen patches, but I still have lots of hormones going on. Last, many people don’t get “symptoms” until much later. That is why many people go out and get shitfaced drunk, smoke massive amounts of cigarettes and do drugs before they even know there is a bun in the oven. Let’s face it they just put those suckers back in me 5 days ago. They are hopefully getting themselves organized and arranged nicely for their extended visit. I will cut them some slack on giving me symptoms just yet. I am more than willing to wait on my “symptoms”, as long as they eventually make their appearance.

Am I going to pee on a stick (POAS) before my blood test on Friday to find out if I am pregnant? The answer is no. There are many many many people on the infertility blogs that do this. They have perfectly timed when the HcG shot ( a shot they given right before the egg retrieval to complete the egg maturation process. If one is doing an IUI, it is the shot they give to trigger ovulation. It is also the hormone that pregnancy tests and blood test pick up on to tell if someone is pregnant.) is out of their system and begin taking pregnancy tests several times a day until their blood test. The positive aspect of this approach is that it gives a heads up as to how the blood test will turn out. However, there are a few reasons I am adamant about not taking one. First, those damn things have never given me the answer I wanted up to this point (except for that one time . . . that is a different story altogether. Thank you, Lord), so why would I think they would start now. Secondly, because of the HcG shot can give you false positives and that is the last thing I want right now. I know I can find out online when it is a good time to test, but I am still not going to do it.

My husband has what we affectionately call the ass cam in his car. When he puts the car in reverse his GPS screen shows what is behind him, so that he doesn’t have to strain his poor little neck to back out. While I wish there was a ute cam in my uterus, showing what is going on with the little ones, it just hasn’t happened yet. However, the doctor also just gave me a picture of hopefully my future child/children with a 100 cells, so give it some time somebody will make one. It would be nice to peak in and see what they are up to and to try and convince them to stay if they wanted to jump ship, but for now I am going to have to wait until Friday to see if they are there. I guess the bottom line is that even though, I saw on an ultrasound screen the exact moment that I may or may not have gotten pregnant, I am not different than anyone else on knowing if I am pregnant or not until the fat lady sings. I am hoping that fat lady is me from a big ole baby in my belly.

The Honor Roll

2009-11-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

When the Embryologist came in yesterday to give us a picture of our 2 beautiful Grade A Embryos, I suddenly felt I needed a bumper sticker for the back of my car that said my embryos made the honor roll at Insert Fertility Clinic Name. We also found out this morning that we had two more that made it to freeze. With all the ups and downs of the last 9 months, I went into this first IVF cycle with cautious optimism and have been pleasantly surprised through process. We are happy, proud and appreciative to get this far.

The embryo transfer for the most part went pretty well. I went to acupuncture right before and got nice and relaxed. Once I was finished, I had to rush home to drink 32 ounces of water, take 2 valium and meet Greg. When we got to the clinic we had to wait 30 minutes before they came to get us, which left lots of time for those 32 ounces of water to accumulate in my bladder and want to exit. So, they checked my bladder on the ultrasound right off and decided that I need to let some of it go. They told me to fill up two and half cups. Let’s just say it is hard to do, but it worked out and I did feel better afterwards. The entire transfer took about 30 to 40 minutes, and we were out the door. We celebrated afterwards with Beechers Mac and Cheese, Brussels sprouts and shared cupcakes. At least we had the green vegetable to balance it out a bit.

My Mom, who has been here for the last week and half providing moral support and helping me with stuff around the house, is leaving tomorrow. I will be sad to see her go. No one takes better care of you then your Mom and she has been perfect. Physically, I feel much better. I turned a corner Monday night and really feel good right now. I know a lot of that is because my Mom has watched the Tudors with me for 3 days, did my laundry, cooked and cleaned and did anything else I needed her to do. She has been great.

So, now the WAIT begins. . .

My Ovaries Hate Me and I Don't Blame Them

2009-11-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

I feel like everything from my bellybutton to my thighs hates me right now and I really don't blame them. I have been poking and proding them since October 11th and they have had enough. I am crampy and it hurts to lay on my side, which sucks because I sleep on my side. When talking to the doctor about my discomfort he said it was normal and that they follicles themselves were a little bit larger than a marble and with an average of 8 on each side both my ovaries were the size of an orange. However, I am happy as a clam and will do whatever I can to help them to heal because they have done good work. I am pampering them with heating pads and stool softners (I like potty talk, get over it). Out of the 17 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature, 12 allowed the sperm in and fertilized and on Day 3 we have 11 continuing to do well. 8 of the 11 are 8 cell, which is the as good as it gets and 3 are between 5 and 7 cells, which is not too shabby at all. Greg and I are excited! We are going on to a Day 5 blastocyst transfer with assisted hatching, which is good.* Although we know that we will probably loose at least half of the embryos by Day 5, we feel good that we will have a better chance by doing it this way.

I have gotten a bit supersitious and spiritual with all of this. Like a teenage girl, I make a wish at every opporunity that comes my way. The following would be examples: when the clock hits 4:44, 5:55 or 12:34 or anyother similar combination, I kiss my necklace clasp when it is in the front and make a wish as I turn it around to the back of my neck, I made sure to set my intention for the month on the night of the full moon. I also made a promise to God that I would read the bible for a whole month once a day from September 29 to October 29. I am still trying to do it, but it doesn't always work out. We have also been going to church. While these things may or may not effect the outcome, I will continue to do them, and hope it doesn't turn out the same way that the wish I made in 8th grade about that boy I liked did. I also appreciate all the prayers and good vibes from family and friends. I could not do it without you and please keep them coming. I will return the favor for you anytime I can, and always find a way to work you in on my daily prayers. We still have a very long road to go and this will not be over until there is a baby in arms, but for today I feel hopeful. I am going to lean on hopeful to help get me through the hard parts.

Who's Coming to the Party?

2009-11-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I always get a bit nervous right after I send out invitations to a party I am hosting. There is a split second where I feel everyone on the eVite is going to reject it and everyone responding to it will see that I am a looser. I know it is stupid, but I always feel that way regardless.

Today we had 17 eggs say they are up for a party. However, tomorrow we find out how many are really up for a good time. Everything went well, I felt like it was a well-oiled machine from the time we walked in the door.

- Changed into my cute party dress - hospital gown and booties and a cute new hat
- Nurse came in to give us a rundown of what is going to happen
- Anthesiologist came in to do a little talk and make sure we are on the same page
- Drugs administered - One thing I remember right before I went to sleep is that they turned on some music. It was possibly the worst song you could imagine, "She Like The Wind". Yes, the horrible song Patrick Swazye sang on the Dirty Dancing albumn. I hope my eggs forgive me for not only having them sucked out of my ovaries by a large needle, but also the horrible background music that accompanied the experience. Already they have been traumatized.
- Wake up and they give me juice and crackers, more instructions, progesterone shot training and a quick trip to the bathroom.
- We are on our way home.

All in all not a bad experience, and we were out the door in 2 hours. Dr. NiceGuy was super nice today and came back to make sure I was OK after the procedure and tell us how excited he was.

Tomorrow the nurse will call us and let us know how many fertilized. I am nervous because this is the part where we could find out why things aren't working. We get to see how Greg's sperm reacts to my eggs, they are able to actually look at my eggs and understand more about their quality. Or things could go really well, so I am not all doom and gloom just cautious. I am nervous, but trying to not think about it too much. Luckily, Mom is here and she is talking my ear off (bless her heart). She is doing a great job of taking care of me though and for that I am greatful.

That is all for now.

Quality Versus Quantity

2009-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

I have a degree in Child and Family Development. I remember when I chose this major I had absolutely no idea what I would do for a career. However, I felt with confidence that I would use it in my own life. After all, at some point I would get married and have children, right? It is a bit ironic (don’t you think, yes I do Alanis Morisett) that I in fact I did not even begin to use this degree until I married Greg two years ago at the age of 34.

Instead I spent some time utilizing my unofficial major, which was Greek Life. Yes, I was in a sorority and I will admit it. My entire family makes fun of me for this, so feel free to do so as well. It was useful experience for me, and I give it credit for the people and opportunities it has brought me in my life. Although, I worked in Human Resources as a career, I spent a large amount of my spare time after college as an Advisor for the sorority. As a result, I have participated in many Recruitments (the new word for Rush) to add women to the organization both as a collegian and as an advisor. One of my pet peeves during Recruitment was hearing members say that Recruitment is about quality not quantity. I get that we wanted to invite good people to join, but the phrase “quality versus quantity” always annoyed me. Who defines what a “quality” person is? I guess I have always felt that we all have different likes and dislikes and what I may like in one person, someone else may not like. As I have mentioned before, life is a numbers game and the more opportunities I have to get to know people the more there is a possibility that I will find someone that has the qualities I like. Therefore, the more the merrier.

So, today we went in for our final ultrasound before the egg retrieval and I found my numbers theory challenged. We got great news! I have 18 follicles that they counted. There are at least three over the magic 18mm number at 19, 19, and 20. We have about 3 more at 17, and 12 that are between 11 and 16mm, which have some good potential. My uterine lining is at 14, which is fantastic. I believe anything over 8 is good and we want a nice and cushy lining for the embryos to snuggle into after transfer. We are set for 8AM retrieval on Thursday. The numbers look good; however, if they are not good quality it does not matter how many they retrieve. So, I am willing to throw my theory out the window and adjust my prayers for good quality and healthy embryos. Because in the end, we want a happy and healthy baby not a bunch of numbers.

So, with that being said, I am severely bloated and uncomfortable. The only way I can describe it is that I can actually feel my ovaries anytime I move. Sometimes I get worried, when I sit down, bend over or cough that I might hear a pop pop pop of them bursting. I know it cannot happen, but I admit it goes through my head to be careful with those suckers. The good news is that my clothes fit and it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I never ever thought I would say this, but I am looking forward to the ultrasound sound wand with a 12 inch needle attached being up my whoo-ha (TMI, sorry) for a little relief. I hope and pray in the end it will be worth it, and I will get to utilize more of that degree finally. Please send good thoughts, prayers, vibes or whatever ever it is that you send my way Thursday!

Hello, Estrogen My Old Friend

2009-10-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

I have a longer posting in my head, but haven’t quite gotten all of it together. However, I want to give an update. We started going in for monitoring appointments on Tuesday, and they seem to be going OK. I am continuing to have about 14-16 follicles. We are seeing growth of about 1 to 2 mm per day, which is on track. Right now my largest is at 14.4 mm and the smallest is about 6.6mm. Once we get at least two follicles to 18mm, we will be ready to give the final hcG shot to do the egg retrieval. They are projecting a Wednesday retrieval. Because it is the weekend I saw a different doctor this morning, and I don’t like her as much as my doctor. She is knowledgeable and nice enough, but she didn’t have the same compassion and empathy as Dr. NiceGuy. I was a bit worried because I had expected to be a bit further along today, and her answer was you are very average and should be OK, and then smoothed it over by telling me that in medicine average is good. I guess . . Hopefully, my average ovaries produce average follicles that will be put with average sperm and become an average embryo that will be implanted into my average uterus and become an average baby. I guess. . .

On another note, my old crazy friend, Estrogen, has come back and I am a bit on the edgy side. My estrogen level one week ago was 33. Now it is over 1100. In other words don't f*** with me right now. It has been a bit of a rough day, but Greg and I have come to a truce and he is being great. Some neighbors had us over for dinner, and it was great to get away and my mind off things for a bit. Now, we are back home enjoying handing out candy to the trick or treaters. Happy Halloween!

Numbers

2009-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

I have had several different jobs in my lifetime and the one I enjoyed the least was Telemarketer. This was a pretty easy job to get when I was in college, and my roommate was making good money with it at the time (She’s a talker, and I still love her today for it.). Besides developing a thick skin, it was my first lesson in the numbers game. I cannot remember exactly how it goes, but for every 100 calls you make, 80 will hang up or tell you to go to hell, 20 will actually listen and 1 will result in a sale. I am not sure if that is exactly correct, but hopefully the point is clear. I learned that more I put myself out there, the more I had a chance of getting what I wanted, which at the time was to pay my rent and sorority dues.

Since then, I have applied this theory to other aspects of my life. When I moved to Seattle, I learned that the more times I put myself out there joining clubs, going to events and going out to new places the more people I would meet that could lead to more friends. I also, have used this when looking for jobs. The more companies I talked to the more I learned about what would work for me, thus find a good match for them and me. I met my husband online (I am not ashamed admit it.). I found the more men I talked to and dated, the more I narrowed down my tastes and preferences. I made it a rule to always be talking to a minimum of 5 guys at all times with at least one date or more a week. This resulted in my meeting the nicest, most compassionate and supportive man ever, and gladly accepting his marriage proposal a year later.

So, I find myself obsessing about the number of follicles I have ready and waiting to become mature by the nice and expensive drugs I am pumping through my body. Right now, it is a lucky number 16. (Brief fertility lesson – We are born with a certain number of follicles that turn into eggs that we are ever going to have. At the beginning of each cycle, the follicles that were scheduled for that month come up to the plate. These were the follicles that have been scheduled for October of 2009 ever since I was born. So, this cohort, which I believe is the term, are the 16 follicles that I am referring.) I have heard of some women having 30+ at this stage in the game. However, I think there is a point where having too many is not good with all the miracle grow drugs they give you. My number is perfectly acceptable; however, according my rules the more the better. I need to be happy with what I have right now, and try and distract myself. Therefore instead of looking at how many follicles I have, I am going to count how many pokes I have had (dirty), to get to this point. By pokes, I mean how many needles have I endured to date on my quest to have a child. Below are my calculations to date:

Blood draws: 16
Acupuncture: 162
Injections: 33
Total: 211

Now those are some numbers! That is what I am talking about! I hope everyone had a great weekend not obsessing about your numbers!

I Think I Might Have Been His First Too . . .

2009-10-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

I think I might have been his first too. . . We went in yesterday morning for the suppression check and Dr. NiceGuy brought a resident in for the ultrasound. He looked more like someone that I needed to sit down and explain the birds and bees, then an expert on my whoo-ha and ovaries (it is still a strange experience for me to have doctors even look my age, much less like someone I may have babysat ). After we exchanged introductions and pleasantries, Dr. NiceGuy and Dr. YoungGuy began preparing the magic wand with a condom (for my protection) and some lube. Dr YoungGuy did an excellent job. He had a bit of a hard time locating my ovaries. However, with all the medicine, poking and prodding over the last year, my ovaries have been hiding the last few months. They are feeling a bit violated and wish everyone would leave them alone. This too has happened with the most skilled nurses and ultrasound technicians in the office before, so I will cut Dr. YoungGuy some slack. With some coaching from Dr. NiceGuy, the ovaries were found and there were no cysts, which is great news. It looked like there were about 16 resting follicles between the two ovaries. They always seem a little vague on this number, so it could be more or less, but I am going to go with 16. After consulting Google, it looks like this is normal for someone my age. It is not a stellar number like a woman in her twenties, but not something to be disappointed about either. The bloodwork to check my estrogen level came back showing that my reproductive system has in fact shut down, so we cut back on the Lup.ron to about a ¼ of what it has been (we continue with the Lup.ron so that my body does not ovulate on its own) and we started stimulation shots tonight. They also drew blood to make sure that I now have the antibody for the chicken pox and we will not get those test results back until Monday. All in all, I am excited with the news

From my previous experience with IUIs, I know that this stage can be a bit nerve racking. Not only is my body being pumped up with hormones, but it is now game time. Starting on Tuesday, we will go in every other day or everyday until the egg retrieval. We will be going in to monitor the follcles to see how they are growing. Once we get enough that are over 18mm they will do the egg retrieval. I am not sure of the number they will want over 18, so I need to research that. It is the time where I usually begin to start obsessing about how things are progressing. Since my follicles have stalled out before I worry whether or not they are growing and this time I am going to worry about how many too. Besides taking my shots, going to acupuncture and trying to relax, there is not much I can do about it. I am going to do whatever I can to get my mind off of it though. The plan this week is to try and go swimming twice, do yoga every day, walk most days, volunteer 3 days, read my trashy romance novel, work on my blog, regular house maintenance and finish organizing our office for my Mom’s visit. If anyone has any ideas of things to help take my mind off of it, I am open. I am also collecting movies to watch. Suggestions are always welcome.

My First

2009-10-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

The first time I needed to find a doctor on my own, I called my Mom for advice. She suggested that I find a female doctor. Her theory was that a male doctor could never understand my body as well as a female. I have always used this as a rule when looking for a medical provider. I have a female dentist, female dermatologist, female therapist, female internist and female obgyn. When I originally called our Fertility Clinic, I was excited to be able to see a female RE. She left the practice in July and to be honest, I didn’t think she was the best doctor ever, so I was not completely disappointed. She recommended that I continue my care with Dr. NiceGuy in the same practice. . . a male. I eagerly accepted because he has an excellent reputation and has helped a few of our other friends achieve pregnancy after some long battles with infertility.

However, on the eve of my first ultrasound with the magic wand by Dr. NiceGuy, I am a bit nervous. Now, I am wishing I had broken myself in with at least a male dermatologist. I know it is completely silly and stupid to be nervous about a male doctor giving me an exam versus a female, but it seems a little weird. He is a kind, knowledgeable doctor with an excellent manner that immediately puts me at ease. I guess the good part is it is taking my mind off the fact that if all looks good tomorrow, we will be officially starting this. Tomorrow we sign on the dotted line that we are going to go through with this, we agree that they can take eggs out of me and sperm from Greg and unite them in a petri dish (romantic), that we will pay for it if the insurance doesn’t, and that we will pay a storage fee for any extra frozen embryos (God willing). It is kind of a big deal. It is exciting, but very scary at the same time. It could be the best thing we have ever done or it could extremely disappointing. So, in retrospect the whole male doctor looking up my hoo-ha is not that big of a deal. Plus, I know I will be in good hands, literally I guess. On that note, I will keep you posted.

Not Feelin' It

2009-10-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

I live in Seattle . . . yes, it rains . . . it rains a lot and for the most part it does not bother me. I am originally from the Southeast, and I spend a fair amount of energy defending my decision to move to a dark, gloomy place on the other side of the country. The truth is I like the rain. I like that it makes the landscape lush and green all year long. I love waking up to hear rain drops on the roof and rolling over to cuddle up with Greg. I love the way the rain combines with the city lights to make the sky a beautiful orange and purple color at night. I love coming home, walking in our house from braving the rain, and feeling a rush of warm air making me feel safe and secure. I am not saying it is not annoying at times, but that it is tolerable and there are parts of it that I enjoy.

Fall is here now and we are starting to feel the real Seattle again after several months of warm sunshine. Last Friday was one of those typical Seattle days. I made sure to wear my good rain jacket and a sturdy pair of shoes to protect myself from the weather, as I hurried out the door to meet friends. I spent the afternoon with some girlfriends getting a massage and going out for tapas for happy hour. It was nice and relaxing and just what I needed to help ease my nerves and not think about the whole IVF process. While we were talking, one of my friends asked if I was OK that I seemed a bit subdued. I told her the truth the Lu.pron that I am taking right now to shut down my reproductive system is making me feel really flat. I am not happy. I am not sad. I don't feel either way. I then changed the subject because I just did not feel like talking about it at the moment. They gracefully dropped it because they have been wonderful to listen when I need it and to back away when I would rather not go there.

However, I began thinking about it more on the way home driving in the hard rain storm. I began to think, is it really the Lup.ron or is it this process that is making me flat? Whenever I have taken the Myers – Brigg test, I am always borderline introvert/extrovert. Sometimes it comes back as an introvert other times an extrovert. I do feel like this process has made me go inward more than I normally am. I am still reaching out to people for support, but I am really working at it. Honestly, I want to be alone most of the time, but I know that would not be good. I am really trying not to do that, but it is hard sometimes not to go into my shell. I do think some of it is all the medicine going in and out of my body; however, I think a lot of it is just the disappointment and anxiousness that goes along with all of this is staring to wear on me a bit. This is not what I thought IVF would be like. I thought that I would be an emotional grumpy mess. Of course, there is still time once they pump me full of estrogen. I could be begging for this empty feeling inside of a week.

As I continued to drive in the rain pondering these thoughts, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. “Babylon” by David Gray reminds me so much of my journey in rainy Seattle. The first year and half here were hard trying to find my first “real” job and making new friends. I thought it was never going to happen, but I finally found a job I loved and with it many great friends. The song was popular around the time that I started to really get my groove here. It reminds me that I went through something hard, but turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. It’s lyrics also remind me that I need to feel this and to remember it. I want to feel this and remember it, so that when my child one day is keeping me awake or talking back to me or just generally driving me nuts, I can remember what it was like to want them so badly that I did whatever I had to do to get them here. Once I reached the house the song ended and I gathered my things to go inside. I made a point of not lifting my hood to protect my head, but instead chose to let myself feel the now misting cool rain. It felt good, as anxiously opened the door to see Greg waiting for me to arrive.

“If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now”

David Gray

The Schedule

2009-10-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

I want to give everyone an idea of what I will be going through for the next month or so. I realize that not everyone reading this blog is familiar with the ins and outs of IVF, so here is my brief amature explanation. The process starts with Birth Control pills and a drug called Lu.pron to shut my reproductive system down. Shutting it downs sounds counterintuitive; however, it helps to get more mature follicles and manipulate the cycle to prevent less complications. If everything shuts down nicely, they will turn me back on high with stimulation drugs to make follicles grow. I will continue on the Lu.pron to make sure that I do not ovulate on my own. We will go in for daily ultrasounds to watch my follicles get to maturity. Once things look good, we will do the egg retreival. Basically, I will be given the Michael Jackson drug (my doctor's words, I swear), and with an ultraound as a guide they will retrieve eggs. The embryologist will inject Greg's sperm directly into them, then put them in the freezer to grow for a few days. After a few days, they will check up on them to see how they are growing. Depending on how they grow and what happens, we could either transfer them back on Day 3 or Day 5. That was not as brief as I would have liked, but hopefuly you get the idea.

Below is a list of what my IVF schedule looks like right now:

9/2 – Met with doctor to discuss IVF option
9/16 – Start period
9/17 – Start Birth Control Pills (BCP) , Day 3 tests. FSH – tests ovarian reserve 4.43 (anything over 10 is bad), Estradiol (E2 or checking estrogen level) – 40 decent, but not great, Thyroid – looks good. Prolactin – Looks good. Test for communicable diseases for GHuman and me.
9/22 – Turns out I never had the chicken pox. Go get chicken pox vaccine to be done 30 days before retrieval. It can be dangerous to get chicken pox when you are pregnant.
10/11 – Start Lu.pron – Drug that works to shut down my natural reproductive system.
10/17 – Stop BCPs
10/22 – Suppression check to make sure my system has shut down, ultrasound to see how many follicles might be there and blood draw for estradiol
10/23 – If everything looks good at suppression checks, things are shut down and I have no cysts we will start stimulation drugs (crank her back up) to help resting follicles to grow. I will take 300 ius of Gonal.F and Menoupau.r
10/28 – Start Daily checks to see what follicles are up to, and once they are mature (18mm) then they will do the retrival.
11/3 – Estimated date of egg retrieval. Sperm is injected into egg via a procedure called ICSI
11/6 – If it is a Day 3 Transfer – They check on surviving embryos. If there are two that stand out over the rest, then they will go ahead and put them back in me. If there are more than two that look outstanding and perfect, they will wait until Day 5 to transfer. Statistically, half of the embryos are lost between Day 3 and 5, and they want to get the very best ones to transfer.
11/8 – If it is a Day 5 Transfer
11/18 – Beta – Blood draw to see if I am pregnant

This is what this look like today pending any changes. There are many things that could happen to delay us, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. One day at a time.

A Little History

2009-10-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Even at the age of 36, my mother has the ability to embarrass me like no other. She reads the books I am reading to learn more about me, calls my phone without leaving messages at least once a day, tells stories about me to complete strangers and constantly comments on my Facebook postings (even though I have asked her to refrain). As much as she gets on my nerves, I know in the bottom of my heart it is because she loves me and for that I am truly lucky. She can be a bit over the top in her expressions of love, but I have come to realize it is not a bad thing. Not really. The upside is that no matter how down I feel I know I can call my Mom and she is there to tell me how fantastic I am just for being her daughter. She works hard at being a good Mom and as one of her daughters I can say she is successful and has provided me great memories.

One of my favorite memories of my Mother was the time she spent with my sister, Ninny (my name for her, as well as, for the purposes of this blog), and me singing when we were young. We sang in the car everyday on the 30 minute drive to work/school in the morning and 30 minutes on the way home in the afternoon 5 days a week. We had duets where she sang certain parts of the song and cued us when it was our turn. However, my favorite time of the week would be when she would get out her guitar and sing to us. The songs consisted of mainly The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel and Peter, Paul and Mary songs. The song “Too Much of Nothing” by Peter, Paul and Mary was a song that always made the song list for our mini shows and we sang along happily with her. This song has been on my mind a lot lately for various reasons. My husband, Greg, and I decided about 2 years ago that I would quit my job, we would travel the world and when we were finished a year later I would hopefully be knocked and carrying our child. It was a fabulous plan that worked up until the getting knocked up part. It seems like that is taking a bit longer than we expected and as a result, I am doing “Too Much of Nothing” these days.

I am being a bit hard on myself though, for the last year and half I have been volunteering several days a week working with at risk children, researching graduate school programs and taking a few classes online to get myself ready. I also have had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with some great friends and play with their fabulous children. Last, we have been doing fertility treatments for the 8 months and that keeps me busier than you would imagine. So, I am doing something. This month we are starting our first IVF cycle and there is a lot to do get ready and keep track of all that needs to be done to be successful. Hopefully, this blog will also occupy some time while keeping family and friends up to date with what we are doing. Below is our infertility journey so far, to catch you up:

8/07 – Married 
12/07 – Quit my job and began traveling
5/08 – Last month of birth control, but not officially trying. We had to make sure I did not get malaria after a trip to Africa, so we used condoms in the meantime. Condoms suck when you are married. . . just so you know. Otherwise, I highly reccomende them.
8/08 – Officially started trying to have a baby
12/08 – Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and start charting cycles and using a Fertility Monitor to pinpoint ovulation.
2/ 09 – Seek advice from Reproductive Endocrinologist (I am no spring chicken)
Lots of test on Greg and me - Sperm Analysis is good. HSG - a test where they shoot dye up your hoo-ha to see if there are any obstructions. Everything looks good. Lots of lab tests and everything looks good.
3/09 – Since we are no spring chicken we started Letrazole/Femera
4/09 - Letrazole/Femera plus and IUI #1(Intrauterine Insemination aka turkey baster with sperm inserted into my uterus = romantic)
5/09 - Attempted an IUI while doing ultrasounds to track follicle growth. Follicles stalled out meaning they did not get big enough to have a successful result. IUI canceled.
6/09 – IUI #2 with injectables and femara (lots of estrogen given to me as a shot in the abdomen or thigh to help follicles to grow) Follicles get to maturirty.
7/09 – IUI#3 with injectables and femera
8/09 – IUI#4 2 day back to back with injectables and femara
9/09 – IUIs are not working, we decided to move on to IVF. Started birth control pills to begin IVF (InVitro Fertilization – sperm and egg meet in a petri dish)
Full IVF schedule in another post

Besides a few slow growing follicles in May, we do not have a clear reason why this is not happening. However, we have faith that we will be parents with some patience and prayers one day. When it does happen, I am sure that I will love them so much that I will embarrass them on a daily basis. Until then, I am going to enjoy my time doing Too Much of Nothing.

“Too much of nothin' can make a man feel ill at ease
One man's temper might rise, while the other man's temper might freeze.
In the days of long confessions, we can not mock a soul
When there's too much of nothin', no one has control.”

Peter, Paul and Mary